Written by G. Brookings
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Sunday, 27 October 2013

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Following weeks of heated rumors and speculation the White House issued a press release admitting that Presidential Apologist Jay Carney is not actually human, but is an early prototype of a new line of talking-points press robots. The discovery follows almost three years of complaints from journalists about Carney's uncanny ability to simply repeat his talking points ad infinitum without divulging any actual information. The press release noted, in a muted apology to frazzled and humiliated journalists, that as an early model of the technology, the Carneybot had only rudimentary programming. After issuing, repeating and then restating in slightly different form the authorized talking points loaded into its memory banks by White House programmers, it had only two choices: further repetition of its talking points or jumping to a subroutine that governed the use of the so-called brush-off statements, in which the Carneybot will refer the questioner to another person or agency for an answer to the question.

Insiders expressed surprise that it took so long for reporters to realize that they were speaking to a robot. One anonymous source revealed a simple test that exposes the artificial nature of the Carneybot. If you make a personal remark, saying, for example, "My, you look pretty today Jay," the Carneybot will answer "Thank you, so do you." At a second repetition of this remark, the Carneybot pushes back and says, "I don't think you're really my type." Finally, after a third repetition, the programming defaults to the standard brush-off loop, referring you to the NSA, the Justice Department, the State Department, and so forth.

To head off further scandal, the White House also admitted that they have begun to deploy a new generation of young female automaton spokespersons at agencies such as the State Department and the Pentagon. The newer models are modeled on very young women and come equipped with the hyper-authority speech function which features rapid-fire, multi syllabic vocal patterns designed to cow potential questioners with the appearance of super intelligence, thus putting off follow up questions and requiring fewer logic circuits. Unlike the annoying brush-off subroutines of the Carneybot, when pushed to the limits of its programming, the newer model is programmed to pause -- creating an uncomfortable silence -- secrete artificial tears, and then walk abruptly out of the briefing room after informing everyone that it is fine.

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