WASHINGTON DC - Now that the Obama Administration has declared all Federal Land and Coastal Waters as off-limits to Americans, the Department of Justice [sic] is making it clear that President Obama will get $3.5 TRILLION to spend -- Unconditionally -- or "we will use every instrument of force to get the money from Americans without Congress."
In a meeting with top bureaucracy officials, Eric Holder (Attorney General) put forth the official White House Federal Shutdown Policy. In attendance were the senior leaders of the EPA, IRS, NASA, Dept of Homeland Security, National Park Service, Bureau of Land Management, Dept of Housing and Urban Development, and more than 300 other agencies. The fundamental message was clear: "Bureaucrats are the most important Americans (except for career politicians), and all other citizens are ungrateful scum."
Rumors related to the Federal shutdown have created much fear among government employees: "Who else would pay me to treat people like cattle, ignore requests for service, watch porn while I'm supposed to monitor bank fraud, or spend two weeks scuba diving at a resort in Hawaii and have it paid for as a career management seminar?" Most EPA employees admitted that "humans disgusted them", and they could never work at a place which contributed to the planet having buildings, roads, mechanized farming, Carbon, or more people.
Many lamented their lack of tanks, helicopter gunships, guided missiles, and bulletproof vests. However, the convention center broke into wild applause when reminded that the Federal government had bought more than 1,000,000,000 (one billion) rounds of handgun and rifle ammo for "non-military" government use. One NASA employee remarked "yeah, B*tches ... that's what I'm talkin' about" after learning about his personal weapon allotment. Some of the 2000 procured "Mine Resistant Protected MaxxPro MRAP Vehicles" which arrived late in 2012 for use on American soil were on display, complete with grenade launchers and 50-caliber machine-guns. "They're beautiful" said one agent of the Advisory Council on Historic Preservation. Government employees kept getting more "good news" as the conference went on....
Eric Holder (Dept of Justice): I want you all to know ... Obama has got your backs. If Americans don't want to pay you, it would be a shame if the government was unable to properly maintain 4000 nuclear warheads. You never know when some of them could accidentally start exploding in places that didn't appreciate a President who cooled the Earth by 10 degrees, kept the oceans from swallowing hundreds of cities, and saved all of humanity with his divine intellect and benevolence.
Nearly 30% of US land is controlled by the Federal government (almost 650 million acres). Using this in conjunction with the Indefinite Detention Bill which was passed under the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) in 2011, anyone who sets foot in National Parks which are closed to public (by the 2013 Federal Shutdown) may be detained as a potential terrorist agent. Judicial experts have been under the impression that "Indefinite Detention" only allowed the US military to hold American citizens on American soil. However, the "disappearance" of 60 tourists on a bus at Yellowstone Park may indicate that National Park "Rangers" can secretly detain Americans in undisclosed facilities, without notifying city or state officials and legal authorities.
In Florida, there has been a story of boats running drugs, and cartel members were threatened with imprisonment at Guantanamo. After the US Coast Guard determined that no one onboard was American, an apology was given to the cartel members, and they were reminded to support ObamaCare (or else).
In March of 2013, Eric Holder stated that the Obama Administration would not "intentionally" use Drone Strikes to kill unarmed Americans on American soil. Unfortunately, recent actions by Federal agents seem to suggest that Americans in National Parks under "shutdown" can be taken to secret detention camps and held with no Constitutional protections.
Rumor: European council members of the Illuminati believe that the "unintended consequences" and expenditure of more than a billion dollars putting Barack Hussein Obama Jr in control of the U.S. district may result in negative returns on investment.... Live and learn.