WASHINGTON DC - With the Federal government shutdown and a debt limit crisis approaching, President Obama may have no choice except to use Executive Order and declare Congress a National Park, imprison all political opposition on charges of trespassing, and govern under the policy of classified indefinite emergency powers. Although some questioned the legitimacy of such action, Attorney General Eric Holder claimed it was reasonable and proper under the Nixon Doctrine, which states "if the President does it -- it's not illegal." Holder followed the statement by saying that anyone who disagreed was a racist, and maybe they needed a visit from the IRS.
White House press releases tell the public that the solutions to all of America's problems are simple:
- Obama gets $3.5 TRILLION to spend each year -- No Audits. No Accountability. ("and he will know if anyone tries to cheat him out of a few Million $$$.")
- Immunity from All Investigations, Indictments, Civil and Criminal Charges.
- Power to issue "Waivers" which exempt the Ruling Political Class from ObamaCare, taxation, and all other laws.
- "Air Force One" shall provide Obama with perpetual "no cost" travel service until such time where Anti-Gravity and Portable Fusion power systems become available.
- Tea Party, Libertarians, Catholics, and Global Warming Deniers shall renounce their False Gods and swear oath of obedience to Obama (or be placed in Dept of Homeland Security "Benevolence" Camps).
Secretary of State, John Kerry has begun making arrangements with the United Nations to prevent a global economic catastrophe which would result if the United States does not pay its debts. Kerry is currently negotiating for U.N. aid worth millions of Yen (Yuan), millions of British Pounds, millions of Rubles, and millions of Euros. For the most part, the UN Resolution will provide aid in the form of Peace-Keeping services in regions such as Texas, South Carolina, and Alaska. Current aid offers are rumored to include:
- Libya - 5,000 "Freedom Fighters"
- Chechnya - 5,000 "Freedom Fighters"
- Somalia - 5,000 "Freedom Fighters"
- Egypt - 5,000 "Freedom Fighters"
- Yemen - 5,000 "Freedom Fighters"
- Sudan - 5,000 "Freedom Fighters"
- Iran - 5,000 "Freedom Fighters" and one Armor Brigade
- Pakistan - 5,000 "Freedom Fighters" and up to six (6) "Peace" Nukes
- Russia - 5,000 Spetsnaz "Peace-Keepers" and 5,000kg Sarin (from Syria, for crowd control)
- China - 100,000 assorted Pick-up Trucks, "U-Hauls", Moving Vans, 18-wheel Trailer Rigs, etc....
Since 1970, there have been more than a dozen Federal Government Shutdowns. In 1995 a shutdown occurred under President Clinton, but it seems that efforts to "not spend money" were very different then. In fact, it seemed like President Clinton never treated Americans as "filthy peasants" intruding on the King's Forest and Royal Hunting Grounds.
Federal "Not Spend Money" Government Actions for 2013
- Put up large orange barriers around rocks, trees, memorials, and animals on Federal Land.
- Post armed guards around rocks, trees, memorials, and animals on Federal Land to prevent American citizens from looking at them and taking pictures.
- Launch sea patrols to prevent Americans' access to 1000 square miles of ocean waters under Federal control (near Florida shores). Note: US Coast Guard claims "No Responsibility" for any damage or loss of life caused by the thousands of anti-ship mines which were placed in the waters on October 3rd.
- Forcibly remove elderly Americans from their private homes at Lake Mead (Federally controlled reservoir on Colorado River).
One resident of Lake Mead now lives in a booth at a local Ice Cream Shop. The owner of the business rescued the 74 year-old Ralph Winters soon after he heard yelling and loud noises late at night.
Greg Petersen (Tourist Attraction Owner): At first I didn't want to do anything because there were a dozen guys with helmets and body armor and night-vision goggles. They probably had 40 old folks packed in two moving trucks, and they just dumped them in the middle of the Las Vegas street with broken walkers and some trash.
While agents of the US Federal Government have not explained how the US Constitution authorizes their actions, a political strategist suggested that the best way to get rights like petitioning against abuses of power, not having property seized without a warrant, or trial by jury, is by paying a million-dollar-lobbyist. Several DC political consultants mentioned that everyone was happy when President Roosevelt created Japanese Internment Camps with Executive Order 9066 in 1942, and people shouldn't worry if another President does it while spending Trillions of Dollars that the government doesn't have.