Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Sunday, 6 October 2013

image for Moderate Republicans Do an About-face on Gun Control

WASHINGTON, D. C.--With the deepening rift in the Republican Party over the government shutdown, some moderate Republicans are beginning to embrace a more measured approach to gun control. Said one Republican moderate, who remained anonymous for fear of being called a RINO (Reactionary In Name Only): "Anyone who has a tough primary is kind of cowed into holding the line. . . . It's a scary thing to stare down that gun when you're trying to win a race. The gun seems to be getting more powerful" (POLITICO).

Moderate Republicans would like to take away guns specifically from the Tea Party Republicans who threaten, they say, not only themselves, but the whole Republican Party, which has over the last few years repeatedly shot itself in the foot.

Peter King, a moderate Republican in the Senate, said he would like to see the Second Amendment amended to, "A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the Tea Party Republicans to keep and bear arms shall be infringed, at least until the next primary is over."

Wayne LaPierre, of the NRA, could not be reached for comment, since he was receiving a blow job from some unnamed congressman. Rep. Michele Bachmann, as usual, had something incomprehensible to say, which was quickly seconded by Rep. Steve King

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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