New York - She's finally spilled the beans on a 20-year mystery that ended with the two-bullet 'suicide' of ex-Rose Law partner Vincenzo Fosterini in a Fort Marcy Park, Virginia, car lot in July 1993.
Speaking at a NYC fun-Raisa [sick] for attention-deprived ex-First Children Ms Bush Hager was full of whimsy as she described Hillary Clinton as 'a truly close relation'.
'Guys, this awesome ex-Secretary of State is my real mother," Jenna beamed, "too bad my birth Pa, Vince Foster, never stuck around long enough to see how it all panned out."
For decades the Capitol Hill rumor mill had always insisted that the woman channeling Hillary Rodham Clinton is none other than Foster's first wife Susan Lang, an illegitimate daughter of Ronnie Raygun.
An extraordinary facial resemblance to Hillary Rodham had always made Bill 'chuckle his pants off', to quote dippy half-brother Roger Clinton, as he planned a campaign of deception to become governor of Arkansas.
What followed has always stumped FBI investigations that searched high and low for a desert grave where Bill Clinton buried Hillary and their daughter Chelsea after being rumbled as a low-down, good-for-nothing crook.
"Too bad, guys!" Jenna commented, supremely confident that none of this matters because the Bushes and Clintons have always outfoxed the Feds with a series of presidential appointments to keep the past sweet...
But palls are warning Jenna that her new baby daughter Mila is sure to start sprouting horns around this year's Halloween, an inevitable side-effect of all that White House incest that's been bullshitting the nation ever since Richard Nixon's presidency.
Chelsea Clinton Mezvinsky is 69.