It was a jubilant crowd yesterday afternoon as ninety GOP congressmen marched and frolicked into a press conference after effectively shutting down the government. They had just returned from Walter Reed Hospital where they had their noses surgically removed at government expense. Many of the journalists present gasped at the sight of the ninety lawmakers and the large gaps in the front of their faces where noses had once been.
A reporter from Time Magazine was heard remarking to a colleague, "My God! They all look like they just left a MOLLY freak-out!" Another exclaimed, "Holy shit, looks like a bunch of porkers in heat!" The lawmakers seemed oblivious to the reaction of thee media and hooped and hollered while grabbing their crotches in wild abandon. Many were holding up photographs of President Obama and shouting, "Poopy pants, poopy pants!" A small group was braying like the mad donkeys in the movie Pinocchio. Michael Beschloss, presidential historian stated upon seeing clips of the event, "This is one the most disgusting spectacles in the history of of the presidency in this country!"
A reporter asked Majority Leader of the House, John Boehner, what happened to all of the noses missing from the faces of his colleagues.
Boehner: "I am proud to say that these new symbols of American patriotism have been bronzed and will be on display at the site of Custer's last stand at the Battle of the Little Big Horn before taking up permanent residence in the Alamo Museum in San Antonio, Texas. We have shown the world once again," he paused and smiled, "nothing succeeds like success!"