The White House announced today that President Obama has issued an order suspending the representative branch of government. "The Congress is clearly not listening to reason or logic," the President said angrily, "and the Executive Branch cannot permit the current dysfunction and paralysis to threaten the stability of this great nation at a time of great challenges. It has never been allowed to happen before and I won't allow it to happen now. It would set a bad precedent, not just for me but for future presidents. So I have taken this reasonable and temporary measure to restore sanity to the business of government. There will be no shutdown of the government nor any default on the US debt."
"To those on the left who think this is a radical measure, I remind them that I have been ruling pretty much by fiat for some time now, without much complaint in the press, making recess appointments, enforcing only the laws I approve of, and passing even major bills like the Affordable Care Act without any opposition party support and everything has gone pretty well. Most of you were pretty pleased with my willingness to take a few shortcuts. So don't complain now. Make no mistake, while we have made a lot of progress, there is a lot more to do and my time is running out. I plan to use the next few congress-free years to complete the job of fundamentally transforming America , which was what I was elected to do."
"Now I have already received some gotcha questions about the constitutionality of my order suspending the Congress. Well, who is the professor of constitutional law? That's right. Me. And if you look carefully, there is a provision in that document that says the President has emergency powers as commander in chief to take any action needed to protect and defend the United States of America. And the Justice Department backs me up on this. So, don't go all Tea Party on me. Besides, after the next election cycle in 2014, or maybe 2016, it's a good bet that Congress will be allowed back. So if you like your current congressman, you can keep him. But if not, you will be able to come to the congressional exchange I will set up and buy a new one, approved by the IRS, and save yourself a lot of time and money."
In related news, the AP has reported that the FBI arrested Robert Murdoch last night and placed all assets of his media empire under federal supervision. AP also reported that President Putin of the Russian Federation has sent Mr. Obama a message of solidarity, congratulating him on finally taking action against the defeatist, reactionary elements of the American political system.