In a stunning political development that has become the talk of Washington, Senator Ted Cruz announced yesterday that he has had a dramatic awakening and a complete, sudden transformation. He is no longer a Conservative. He is no longer a Republican. He has embraced the radical left wing of the Democratic Party.
"I Resisted the Change but Have Surrendered!" said Cruz at a news conference. "I tried to hold on to my proud and haughty conservative views but I know now I was wrong. The GUILT of being an ambitious and arrogant elitist has destroyed my former self!"
And most remarkable of all, he has become the leading champion of Obamacare. "I must make it work. I will make it my life goal!" The man who only recently led the charge against the new program has had a complete change of heart and mind.
Renounces Personal Ambition and Arrogance, Denounces Capitalism
"I publicly renounce all personal ambition! My conscience has told me that I have been mistaken" said a serious Ted Cruz on the Senate floor. "I have had a cosmic awakening. Everything I have believed has been wrong. Everything I thought was true in politics and society is wrong. I am now a man of the people. The people will rise! I have become a revolutionary. I know that the current system of capital exploitation is wrong."
All of Cruz's colleagues were shocked, from Reid to Boehner to Pelosi. But many welcomed his repentance of his arrogance.
He announced his immediate resignation from the GOP and his entrance into the Democratic Party.
"I have been WRONG about Obamacare. Yes, I have been very wrong. I have been WRONG about the Obama administration. I am now the leading champion of Obamacare in the US!" cried a humbled Cruz.
There were gasps from the Senate chamber.
But an even greater shock came when he made an announcement about immigration.
"I have become enlightened about my own life. I have been too arrogant. I have been challenged to embrace my own 'Inner Illegal Immigrant'. As a Latino I NOW know that there is a piece of the Mexican laborer in my soul. From now I support full amnesty for ALL illegal immigrants!"
He then went on to renounce his elite position in society and his education.
"I will now relate to the blue collar workers of the world. Yes, I am a graduate of Princeton and Harvard Law School. But I will no longer make any reference to my education. I will remove it from my resume. I am now one of the common people. I will work to bring others in the GOP out of that trap of greed! And I will get dirt under my clean fingernails!"
Cruz's first name is Edward. Until now. He has had his first name legally changed to 'Lalo', a common nickname among Mexican immigrants for Eduardo. "Call me Lalo from now on! Edward is too Anglo and elitist!"
Cruz is known for drama. Today he held the Senate spellbound. He produced a pair of dirty work boots and white socks. He announced "These are my entrance into the world of my new laborer comrades!"
He removed his highly polished Italian wingtips and his long dress socks. Barefoot in his Armani pinstriped suit and tie he held the expensive shoes and socks over his head:
"No Mexican immigrant wears these when he is working in the fields! They are the shoes of privilege! I strip myself of them and all they represent!"
He pulled on the footwear of a migrant worker.
But the final step in the stripping process involved the White House. Cruz appeared later in the day a physically changed man. His full head of hair had been shaved off and his Armani suit, white shirt and tie had been exchanged for sackloth.
Rumours said that Cruz had given his business suit to a Latino janitor who confronted him on his sincerity, and demanded his Armani suit as proof.
"I have come to beg the President's forgiveness, on my knees" said Cruz, appearing at the White House. "Please may I see him?"
Obama appeared and openly relished the abject public humiliation of his most powerful recent foe.
The bald, barefoot, sack-cloth-clad beggar on his knees had no resemblance to the Princeton and Harvard educated ambitious, dignified, powerful, pinstriped Republican that had taken on Obamacare and the Democrats. Now he was a humbled and broken man.
"I forgive you" said the President, smiling. "But on condition that you stay bald and wear work boots permanently. I always did envy your hair and shoes!" Obama looked approvingly at the gleaming Cruz scalp.
"Thank you. Expensive shoes and hundred dollar haircuts belong to my past!" said Lalo Cruz, weeping openly. And he even gave the President his shaven hair in a paper bag.
Washington was still reeling from the destruction of the former Republican star. Cruz plans to tour the country selling Obamacare dressed in the clothes of a laborer.