Written by Robert Kingett
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

Forks, WA. Outrage broke out in the parking lot of Forks Middle School, 121 Spartan Ave, when a manic traffic jam ensued after classes today due to the result of obstructive sparkling by newly appointed biology teacher Edward Cullen.

Parents arrived to pick their children up from the school before class only to stall in the midst of a gawking crowd, gaping at the reflective sheen Cullen emanated when he stepped out of his vehicle to change a tire.

"It was mesmerizing!" Angelo Mitch exclaimed in an interview. "First, one car stopped to gawk, then I stopped to gawk, and soon you had a hoard of men and women gaping at the walking diamond."

As the crowd grew in numbers the fury also rose to a reasonable level. Drivers confronted Cullen about the sparkling and the distractive nature of his skin but he didn't answer.

"It's discriminatory, actually." Cullen said as he glistened for the interview. "just because I'm brighter than everyone else that doesn't give humans the right to treat me unfairly."

Other people have very different opinions about the distraction, however. Charlie Wolf, father of Bella Sweeny exclaimed that he was late for a job interview due to the walking disco ball.

"It ain't pretty to look at when people have places to go and things that they have to do." wolf said. "He disrupted my driving time and I had to break traffic laws to get to a very important interview to be a character in a book."

Sane parents, along with Wolf, attempted to move Cullen but the hypnotized single mothers and tween girls soon fought back in a dancing brawl that left many people tired, bruised, hating themselves, and still outraged about Cullen's disability.

The mob against Cullen grew quickly, culminating a petition to get Cullen out of the parking lot so that people could get on with their lives and not live in a fantasy but the principal refused to act on the hundred signatures.

"He's awfully pretty. Why do I want to disrupt fantasies, including my own? That seems un-American." He said taking pictures of the sparkling vampire from his office.

In a desperate effort to eradicate the glittery gleam from the parking lot county police were called in to deal with the situation. Cullen threatened all the policemen darkly whereby the chief demanded that the vampire be cuffed immediately. After protesting in broken hyperbole, Cullen soon sat in a squad car as hoards of his supporters clawed at the window, saddened that the dancing light show dissipated. Fans still clung to the car as the disco ball was taken to the county jail.

Cullen was questioned in a vegetarian accommodating cafeteria about the intent of his displaying his skin condition. Through quotes of Romeo and Juliet Cullen exacerbated an apology and continued to sulk as police arrested him for assault and glitter abuse.

Make Robert Kingett's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 1 multiplied by 1?

8 16 15 1
66 readers are online right now!

Go to top