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Tuesday, 24 September 2013

image for Ninja Bitch Slapper Strikes in Atlantic City - More Than A Dozen Attacks Since Miss America Pageant
Police Sketch from Eye Witness Account

(Atlantic City, NJ) - Following on the heels of the recent Miss America pageant held in Atlantic City, a criminal now known as the Ninja Bitch Slapper has been attacking men in the night. While there have been no serious injuries, victims of the Ninja have complained that it "really stings" and "leaves a mark."

The first attack occurred during the Miss America parade along the famous Atlantic City boardwalk.

"I was just minding my own business and listening to my girlfriend while the contestants were driving by," said the Bitch Slapper's first victim Marvin Doubter, "She was talking a mile minute about the dresses and shoes and blah blah blah I just couldn't help but yawn and then BITCH SLAP!"

According to Doubter, he heard the sound of rushing wind before being slapped really hard on both of his cheeks. "It hurt like Hell, but when I opened my eyes, my girl was still focused on the parade, so it couldn't have been her. It had to be a Ninja Bitch Slapper!"

Similar incidents happened that same evening along the parade route. In each case, a man was mysteriously bitch slapped after showing disinterest in the event or making a rude comment about one of the contestants.

Many of the victims reported that they were either "bored to tears at the moment" or "making lewd comments about Miss New Jersey" before being bitch slapped. A large number of them were also extremely drunk since, after all, it was Saturday night in Atlantic City, New Jersey.

A recent attack occurred at the popular Walk Outlet Mall, just blocks from the boardwalk, after a wife asked her husband for his opinion of the shoes she was trying on. According to victim Harry Reamer, "I could really care less about her shoes after 27 years of marriage and I guess it showed on my face and then WHAM! Bitch slapped and I didn't see where it came from! It had to be the Ninja!"

Although surveillance tapes in the shoe store failed to produced any evidence of a Ninja Bitch Slapper on the premises, their is an unexplainable blur on the video tape just before the attack. According to video tape blur expert Robert Rootbeer, "Whatever caused the blur was traveling at the speed of sound or faster! I think... I mean they say I am a video tape blur expert but I really just collect old porn."

Local authorities have a theory that the men were actually bitch slapped by their girlfriends and wives, but are just too embarrassed to admit it. According to Captain C. Colon of ACPD, "Gimme a break, guys! Just show a little interest in your woman. She puts up with your shit, don't she? And get off the sauce, buncha drunks!"

The attacks have continued throughout the city. The most recent bitch slap attack was at the popular Irish Pub restaurant where a couple was overheard arguing about losing a lot of cash at the Blackjack table. According to an eyewitness, the man revealed that he had lost their mortgage payment along with their vacation savings right before the Ninja Bitch Slapper struck. This attack was more severe than the rest, resulting in a blackened eye and two broken teeth.

The woman was not available for comment at the time of publication.

The hospital reports that the husband is recovering well and has already spoken to a counselor about his gambling addiction.

Authorities are still working to capture the elusive Ninja Bitch Slapper. According to Captain Colon, "Actually I ain't losing a lot of sleep over this one - know what I mean?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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