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Monday, 23 September 2013

Steely blue eyes ablaze with conviction, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R - Ohio) expresses the will of the American People. In virtually every speech, the phrase "the American People want" passes his righteous lips with prophetic certainty and magical prescience.

We ask, how does he do this? How does he know, so surely, the hopes, desires, and wishes of the people of this land?

The answer will amaze you: He hears their Voice in a mystical trance. There is no other way possible for this man, cloistered as he is in the ideologically isolated House of the United States Congress to obtain this sacred knowledge.

Being by necessity spiritually insulated from the common man and woman, he is surrounded by an army of over 12,000 dedicated lobbyists (now Government Relations Professionals) with resources of $3 billion from agribusiness, financial institutions, Big Pharma, defense contractors, and oil and gas companies. These stalwarts are there only to protect him from those who would divert his devoted concentration to the transcendent Voices that reach him through the aether and call upon him to speak for them, call upon him to speak aloud the holy commandments of the American People.

The innermost circle of his protection is the 40 or so Tea Party members--his Praetorian Guard, so to speak. Comprising a core 10% of the Congress, they have been pledged to defend him, to the death if necessary, from any who would breach their walls of ideological protection against influences that might corrupt his concentration on the Voices only he is privileged to hear.

A holy vow has been taken. No compromise, no matter how small, may be allowed to weaken the purity of the Voice, even onto the destruction of the government itself. Better the government should perish in righteousness than live in the shame of give-and-take common polity.

Amen, and amen.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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