WASHINGTON, D.C.-"It's like a revelation!" said minority whip in the House Kevin McCarthy, of his sudden embrace of Charles Darwin's theory of evolution, which he, like many of his fellow Republicans, had formerly described as "godless liberal pseudo-science."
Enthused McCarthy: "Darwin argued somewhere in On the Origin of Species, according to the Wikipedia article I skimmed, that only the fittest survive, that nature will 'weed out' the weak and those who can't adapt. That's what we're trying to do by cutting 39 billion dollars from SNAP, or the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program. We're trying to weed out from the American population those children and indigent and elderly whose genetic predisposition has obviously set them up for failure. When you think about it, what we're doing is making the American body politic healthier!"
But not everyone is excited about the GOP's sudden embrace of what they construe to be evolutionary theory. Said Pope Francis: "Have they ever read the Bible, or did they just skim it in Wikipedia? Deuteronomy 15:11 'For the poor shall never cease out of the land: therefore I command thee, saying, Thou shalt open thine hand wide unto thy brother, to thy poor, and to thy needy, in thy land.'"
Replied McCarthy: "Well, I'm a southern Baptist, not a Catholic. But if I had to interpret what this guy Deuteronomy was saying, I think he meant that we should give these moochers, as Ayn Rand recommended, a good bitch slap to the face with our open hand and send them on their way. For the good of the body politic, of course."
In reply, Pope Francis was seen murmuring some kind of obscenity and sadly shaking his head.