Written by Kris Aguilar
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Thursday, 19 September 2013

Speaking on the condition of anonymity because he's an imaginary person, Florida Police Officer Jim confirmed reports that George Zimmerman has once again been arrested.

While he declined to comment on what landed Zimmerman in jail again, he did offer the following, "Well." Officer shrugged. "He... You know. He's been pulled over twice now for speeding. And then that thing with his wife. Plus, you know he shot that kid. And..." Officer appeared to be gathering his thoughts. "Well then, you know, he saved those people in that accident, or something like that. And then. Well, pretty much everyone just thinks he's a jerk, and arresting him just seemed like the thing to do."

He expects Zimmerman to be released within the hour. No charges have been filed.

Spokesman for CNN declined to give an explanation as to why, exactly, Zimmerman's run ins with traffic cops were considered national news, probably because I didn't actually ask them.

When I questioned no one on the street they had this to say:

Non-person number one: We have to get rid of that Stand Your Ground law, that's how that guy got away with murder.

Non-person number two: Well, he broke that iPad because he didn't want his estranged wife to have evidence of him threatening her.

Non-person number three: Who is George Zimmerman?

When questioned as to how, exactly, Stand Your Ground let Zimmerman get away with murder they claimed that it has raised the justifiable homicide rate in Florida since it was enacted. They offered nothing when I asked them if it was possibly because what is being called justifiable homicide now would have been manslaughter or murder in the past.

They refused to consider any case but Zimmerman's, offering only that if a woman shot her ex-husband in the street outside her work because he was maybe trying to kill her and violating a restraining order, well, screw her anyway. Jail probably isn't that bad anyway.

As for the iPad, no one seemed to care about the fact that Zimmerman broke the iPad after having been hit with it. Non-person One claimed that violence was never an option, so I'm assuming that he was never in a long term relationship that ended badly, not to mention publicly.

When I offered that yes, Zimmerman was a jerk, and yes, he should have listened to officers and that no, he shouldn't have followed some kid he didn't know, and yeah, he probably deserved to have his ass kicked, and agreed that it is a tragedy that a young man died, they all nodded emphatically.

When I suggested that none of that really mattered in the self-defence case, they began steaming from the ears.

Except for Non-person Three as he was busy trying to down an entire fifth of Jack in one swallow.

When I reminded them that Stand Your Ground never came up in Zimmerman's defense, their eyes all glazed over, even Non-person Three.

When I further reminded them that Zimmerman had been acquitted of murder by a jury of his peers, because the way our justice system works is that you are innocent until proven guilty. Or it's supposed to anyway... And that obviously the jurors found that Zimmerman was in fear for his life, or couldn't, beyond a reasonable doubt, say that he wasn't in fear for his life, they threw bottles at me and called me a racist.

Non-person One and Two were working on legislation aimed at making being an arrogant prick a capital offense when I left the scene. Non-person Three appeared to be passed out.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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