Washington, DC - Finding little support for his administration's plan to punish Syria, US Secretary of State John Kerry is taking matters into his own face.
The former Senator is activating his evil eye against the regime of Bashar al-Assad in response to the dictator's use of chemical weapons in Syria's ongoing civil war.
"I went in for LASIK surgery last month to improve my eyesight, and I found they were running a one for two deal," Kerry said. "Get LASIK on both eyes, and they would pack the power of the evil eye into the socket of your choice. So I figured, what the heck."
In a matter of weeks, Kerry has mastered the withering look with his evil eye, able to turn a rival into a pile of dust with just a glance. "I learned that from my wife Teresa. It's how the Heinz's dehydrate their onion soup."
Kerry also has the ability to make an opponent go blind with just a blink of his evil eye. "Assad asserts that he didn't see any chemical weapons being used," Kerry said. "This will make sure he can make that claim truthfully in the future."
Of course, Kerry will require a UN resolution to unleash the power of his evil eye against Syria. "We expect everyone will be seeing this one our way," he said, "because I'm going to announce that anyone who votes against us is going to be subjected to my evil eye."
Virtually every major religion of the world has its version of the evil eye, but the Secretary of State chose a secular, nondenominational model.
"The Catholic's eye makes you say five rosaries just to activate the damn thing," said Kerry. "The Jewish model makes you use a Kosher charging stand. That's just what I need, another charger tying up my outlets."
Meanwhile, Assad is stockpiling special talismen that were created specifically to ward off attacks by the evil eye and lawsuits by legal firms that advertise on late-night TV. The lifelike, miniature figures resemble Justices of the US Supreme Court.
"I love playing with my Justice League Action Figures," Assad told reporters. "Especially that Sonia Sotomayor. Her judgments are never too judgmental."