Written by Samuel Vargo
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Thursday, 5 September 2013

image for Glenn Beck: "Minimum wage should be set at 2 cents per hour"

Conservative commentator Glenn Beck announced today that the minimum wage should be lowered to two cents an hour, making for gross earnings for an eight-hour work day in the United States to be set at no more than 16 cents per day.

"Without overtime, of course," Beck said. "Overtime should remain at time-and-a-half, so if a worker labors additional hours past the eight-hour workday, this worker should be paid an additional three cents an hour for each overtime hour.

"For a twelve hour shift, workers would earn 28 cents. This high-earning potential should motivate everyone to work a little harder," Beck said.

Rolls of pennies could be used as payment for workers, cutting the cost of paper and saving trees, as well, Beck argued.

"People don't usually consider ultra-conservatives as ecological and environmental vanguards, but this is proof positive. We're all for saving trees from being manufactured into paychecks," he said.

This is a big switcheroo. Only a few days ago, Beck warned all employees of his radio and publishing empire that if they buy any eco-friendly products made that thwart off global warming, he'd fire them, according to TheBlaze.

"If anyone does anything in this company because of global warming, they're fired," he actually said to his workers, TheBlaze reports.

"We will never, ever purchase a fluorescent light bulb for this building - not one," Beck reportedly ordered, referring to compact fluorescent bulbs.

And he's never been much of an advocate for underprivileged working class underdogs, either.

"There's just too much extravagance these days," Beck said to this reporter, holding a peeled onion under his nose so he was forced to cry.

Beck then continued with a tearful tirade about how he longed for the good old days of sweatshops, unimaginable working conditions, obliteration of a cursed middle class, and a general populace stuck in a state of squalor and destitution.

Bill O'Reilly, who is considered just as conservative, if not even more conservative, than Beck, disagreed, saying that a 2 cent minimum wage was just too low.

"The minimum wage should be at least a nickel an hour," O'Reilly said.

Meanwhile, Ann Coulter, an ultra-conservative bestselling author and frequent FOX News contributor, said, "The minimum wage should be no more than one cent an hour. What's with all Glenn Beck's generosity? And Bill O'Reilly's giving the entire store away. The American worker today doesn't deserve such luxurious recompense. Working for a penny an hour is more than enough."

FOX News was taken aback by comments by their most celebrated and sensationalized talking heads. Beck reportedly left this network because of low ratings, but his commentary about lowering the minimum wage was so sensationalized that FOX News brought him back, in hopes of boosting ratings.

Although it was rumored that even FOX News execs were flabbergasted and appalled by their right-wing nut/jobs' advocacy of setting such a miserly abominable minimum wage, the broadcast giant seemingly stands behind them.

"We feel inflation needs to end. The best way to assure this is to cut wages. Who wouldn't want to buy a brand new Chevrolet Corvette for under three hundred bucks? Who wouldn't want to use wire snips to cut up pennies into 1/32-slices to buy a loaf of bread or a candy bar?" FOX News executives write in a prepared press release.

"It might even bring the Twinkie back," they predict.

An economists in academe' cautions that setting the minimum wage at two cents an hour isn't a solution, it's a horror story. He warns that although it may bring back industries that left the U.S. and have since become staples in other countries, it would devastate the national and even the world economy.

Rufus T. Sparks, Ph.D., and former lecturer at a prestigious East Coast college before he was fired for making liberal comments to the media, explains that even though America might adopt a lower minimum wage, other countries most likely wouldn't.

"European exotics would remain as pricy as ever - a lower-end BMW would still be around $60,000 and an Italian Maserati or Lamborghini would remain pricing out at as much as a quarter-to-half a million dollars in U.S. currency," he said.

"It would take most rank-and-file workers several lifetimes to buy an overly used VW or Nissan - even if they stored each penny they earned," Sparks said.

"And even if a regular Joe somehow managed to get a car, through an inheritance or whatever, how would he be able to afford to keep gasoline in it? Gas prices are set by a global economy. They're really contingent on what's going on in the Middle East," the former professor said.

"In actuality, most Americans wouldn't even be able to afford bus fare," he explains.

"Glenn Beck and the others should stick with what they know - bashing Barack Obama day-in, day-out - and leave questions of economics to us academic eggheads. These FOX News birdbrains are good at bad-mouthing liberal politics, but they've gone helter-skelter here with their creation of a laughably low minimum wage," Sparks said.

Glenn Beck, who oftentimes uses peeled onions to make himself cry on air, continued his broadcasted crying jag, whimpering, "I love America. I love the smell of pollution and smokestacks and sweat. I love the smell of money, as long as it's my money."

"If it wasn't for my big mouth and obnoxious attitude giving me such great exposure, I'd be working in a tire mill in Akron, Ohio, or in a slaughterhouse in Iowa or Nebraska," he wailed.

It's nice not to be included in the minimum wage stratosphere, which Beck will most likely never succumb to: Even when he worked as a fulltime commentator at FOX News, only $2 million of Beck's $32 million salary (for 2009) came through his salary. Most of his dough was made through his radio and publishing pursuits, according to The Huffington Post.

But $32 million isn't anything to sneeze at - especially for someone working at the current minimum wage - which varies state to state. The lowest (for 2013) is Wyoming ($5.15 an hour) and the highest is Washington ($9.19 an hour). The federal hourly minimum wage is set at $7.25.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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