BILLINGSGATE POST: World famous physiognomist, Dr. Viscount Billingsgate, today announced to the world that he has found proof that Barack Obama and Syrian President Bashar Assad are brothers who were separated at birth. Billingsgate, who has practiced physiognomy for over 40 years, claims to have "mystic powers" in putting faces together by isolating certain physical characteristics such as ears, eyes, belly buttons and penises while stitching together brothers who were separated at birth.
Indeed, it was Billingsgate who first identified that Liberace was the long-lost brother of Nancy Pelosi, who had a sex change operation to obfuscate her connection to the renowned pianist.
However, his most startling bit of applying the tools of physiognomy is most certainly connecting Barack Obama and Bashar Assad as siblings separated at birth by a mother who was afraid that she would lose both brothers if a chance wind filled the main-sails of their ears and carried them off over the horizon.
Now, some 40 years later, these same brothers are presidents of countries that are jousting against each other over the use of chemical weapons; a sibling rivalry that has put world peace in jeopardy.
Let us hope that their common Islamic heritage will guide them through these perilous times, and they will rejoice over the commonality of their jug ears.