Washington, DC -- America's Military-Industrial Complex™ is going public with an advertising campaign that invites Americans to choose the next war in which the nation will participate.
Called "Pick a Fight," the campaign represents the first time that the Military-Industrial Complex (MIC™) identified itself as a political and social entity. "Gen. Eisenhower was right when he said that the banks, the armaments makers, the defense contractors and the military are joined at the hip to promote their common interests," a MIC spokesman explained. "We are united and right now, we need a new war to keep profitable."
MIC leaders were disappointed that America initially didn't buy Into the call for military action in Syria. "It seems that the term 'chemical warfare' no longer projects the high fear factor that it used to," the MIC spokesman said. "Anyway, a Syrian war is too much like Iraq: Kill thousands. Spend billions. Take years to track down the dictator. We're looking for a better way."
The Pick a Fight campaign will get the public involved, starting with a national straw poll that lets citizens vote for the kind of war that they prefer. Five choices are available. Here's what they look like on the ballot:
The Civil War II
A 21st-century take on a 19th-century classic, this war will pit red states against blue states in a bloody, drawn out conflict. The South may not rise again, but at least we'll get to the bottom of Obama Care.
World War III
This would be an all-out, no holds barred brawl. Use of nuclear weapons would accelerate the timeframe. The end would come quickly and painfully.
BRIC Pillow Fight
Brazil, Russia, India, and China would compete in a manufacturing competition. The nation that produces the most pillows in a week wins. Follow-up benefit: the world will finally get a good night's sleep.
Disputin' Putin Snowball Fight
Russia has more ammunition for this type of war, but American troops have more experience with the weapon. The conflict is bound to deteriorate into a gun shoot out, followed by bombings and use of nuclear weapons. (See World War III.)
Breaking China Spit Ball Shoot out
A favorite of every class clown, spitball warfare is as versatile as it is disgusting. Guarantee to escalate into a shooting war at the least.
Regardless of which option Americans choose, the Military-Industrial Complex will need more budgetary resources to accommodate the new forms of warfare. "Since virtually every Congress person depends upon us for campaign funding, we expect to get exactly what we ask for," said the MIC spokesman. "We are the Military-Industrial Complex™ -- We are what war is good for."