Written by G. Brookings
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Thursday, 22 August 2013

image for Crap, Says Hillary, It's 3 a.m. Again
Yes, I married Bill, but what difference does it make now?

According to Hillary Clinton 2016 campaign workers gearing up for her nascent presidential run, the former First Lady and Secretary of State has already prepared her rebuttal to expected replays of the attack ad run against Barrack Obama in the run up to the 2008 campaign. The Spoof has exclusively obtained the following leaked draft talking points and their respective "messages" which are being circulated among Hillary's spokespersons and surrogates for review and comment:

1. If confronted by the press with the charge that Hillary herself did not answer the State Department phone when Ambassador Stevens called from Libya desperately seeking help, answer as follows: first, laugh as though the question is a foolish one and then deny the charge categorically; emphasize that the ad was not meant literally and also point out that Hillary was not the President when Libya was attacked. Confound the questioner by saying that even if she had been President she would not have answered the phone at 3:00 a.m. Press the point home after this apparently striking admission. Say, really guys, everyone knows that the President does not answer the phone; there are little people who do that job. Message: Anyone who raises this point is a f****** idiot!

2. Try this response to any accusation about an alleged failure to beef up security at the consulate in Libya. Say that in the 2008 ad attacking Obama, President Hillary promised to protect American children sleeping in their American beds in America. Terrorism in far-away lands is clearly another mission altogether. Message: Hillary's critics lack a capacity for nuance and sophistication. What next, a replay of their attack on her pink pant suits?

3. More broadly and in response to all attacks alleging hypocrisy or double standards, become visibly angry and express the fact that you are mightily offended - this tactic has worked very well for Obama and we should use it too. Anger looks real and garners valuable sympathy, even when it is fake anger and fake sympathy. Then remind the attacker - pointing a finger at him or her -- that when Hillary is made President, she will choose a better Secretary of State than Obama did. Smile after saying this to signal that this is an example of self-deprecating humor. The press will be tickled that you have trusted them to get the joke. Message: Hillary's critics are small minded and irrelevant. Benghazi was so long ago, who can even remember what happened? (Cf., "At this point, what difference does it make?")

4. If pressed on Hillary's allegedly poor or meager performance as an executive - for example, the failure of her health care plan as first lady and the failure to secure the consulate in Benghazi when she was Secretary of State-- reply that Hillary has traveled around the world, become pals with great and powerful world leaders everywhere, bore a child prodigy, and persevered courageously under heavy arms fire in the performance of her duties in Bosnia. She has been to Oz and met the Wizard who gave her the gift of heroic stoicism, instead of a heart. While the word "truth" may not, in its antiquated sense, apply equally well to all of these arguments, we have been working diligently to enlarge the scope of the word "truth" until it is now so elastic that Eric Holder can fart in the Congress and call it eau de cologne and no one corrects him. You too can get away with saying pretty much anything these days. And if, in that rare case, you are caught out by a persistent journalist in some relatively defenseless position, you can always deny saying what you said and maintain that you said something else instead. This will start another round of charges and counter charges, which will serve as effective cover for your escape. Another useful lesson from the Obama administration. Bottom line: While spin and outright lies may be unpleasant, really big bold lies told with a beautiful confident smile are no worse than little ugly smirking ones.

5. If asked about the possible psychological damage incurred by Hillary in years of living with the philanderer-in-chief - whom we love, officially, that is -- say generally that her life challenges have only strengthened her resolve. If the massive public humiliation of the Monica Lewinsky affair and the loss of the 2008 nomination to a community organizer from Chicago didn't fry her, nothing will. You can also make a joke - in the right setting, but definitely not on Oprah where the point is to make tears flow -- that after a nuclear world war, nothing will be alive in the rubble but cockroaches and Hillary Clinton. Message: she is tough, if not absolutely indestructible, like plastic beer can tops, and of course she is not in favor of nuclear war. Just saying…

6. To all other charges, however phrased or related to whatever personal or policy matter, always quickly deny the charge in absolute terms, no matter what it is. Then be seen to be recording names of the press questioners on a legal pad, and, finally, as a last resort, accuse the speaker of misogyny. In the latter case, it will help to adopt a candid-seeming, hurt look, and confide how distressed you are at all the hate directed at a political candidate solely because she is a woman. Above all look for and provoke, if possible, remarks by the enemy that highlight the anti-woman bias narrative. Message: the Republican war on women continues in high gear.

7. If we all diligently follow this script, the 3:00 a.m. attack ad from the last campaign will quickly become lost in the noise of the new campaign. And stick to it we must! Let's avoid being casually seen with that Fluke woman, for example. Defending her free contraception pitch leaves a bad taste in your mouth. So to speak. So stick to the script. Remember, winning is not everything; it's the only thing. If we do not elect Hillary in 2016, some fat Republican doofus will fail to answer that 3:00 a.m. phone call and that would be a real tragedy for America.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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