Republicans, livid over Obamacare, have insisted that Jesus rescind the many miracles he performed on the poor and sick in the New Testament.
Explained former senator Jim DeMint, a vocal opponent of Obamacare and president of the conservative Heritage Foundation: "Most of these miracles were performed without charging these moochers for services rendered. Not only that, but many of them were performed on people with pre-existing conditions! The market, not a tyrannical government or the son of God, should decide whether someone receives medical care." DeMint then fumed: "Jesus' performing miracles on the sick and poor for free is not the road we Americans want to go down!"
Said Lazarus, who suffered from the pre-existing condition of death, "Well, I'm fucked."
Said the man whose withered hand Jesus healed in the synagogue, "What the hell!!! How am I supposed to work to pay my medical bills? Or feed my family? What's wrong with these people?"
Said Jesus, on hearing of the GOP's strong opposition to affordable health care for all, "They're the kind of people Dad invented the other place for."
Jim DeMint ignored Jesus' warning and sneered, amid the scent of brimstone, "Doesn't He know that the invisible hand of the market is beyond good and evil?"