New York -- Hold on to your hat… and your pants and shirt as well. The outgoing mayor is calling on his subjects to strip naked with the goal of turning New York City into the world's largest nudist colony.
The proposal comes after Mayor Mike Bloomberg's Wild West policing style was shot down as unconstitutional. However, the lame-duck mayor denies that he's taking any retaliatory action.
"This has nothing to do with stop and frisk," he told reporters. "We believe that by turning New York into the world's first clothing optional metropolis, we will start a tourism boom that will give us maximum bang for the buck.
"The fact that citizen nakedness will physically prevent anyone from carrying a concealed weapon of any kind will be a positive bonus."
Of course, not everyone will be naked at any given time under the mayor's plan. He intends to install barbed wire enclosures throughout the city that will "concentrate" unclothed groups into manageable nudist "camps."
Times Square's Naked Cowboy has been put in charge of the sorting, named to head the new Alternate Side of the Strip Department. "We're thinking of offering a free tattoo to anyone who cooperates to help us keep track of it all."
Former Congressman and active exhibitionist Anthony Weiner has been selected as the city's first Commissioner of Social Media And Social Diseases.
"We think that title has a nice ring to it," Bloomberg said. "And we wish Anthony Weiner all the best, as he moves forward… And backward. Backward and forward. You go, Weiner boy."
In keeping with the "open city" theme of his proposal, the mayor repealed all prostitution laws. He did however sign new legislation, which reduces the size of a medium soda to eight ounces. "We don't want people sharing soft drinks with their hookers," Bloomberg said. "That could be very unsanitary."
Although the nudist colony plan has to be approved by the City Council, the municipal marketing department has already created a campaign to promote the tourism aspect of the effort. It proclaims: "Naked New York. We'll bend over backwards to show you a good time."