Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 21 August 2013

image for Los Angeles Declares War On Graffiti
The LAPD says that they are going to put an end to vandalistic graffiti. (Photo provided by Paco Peso).

LOS ANGELES - The Lost Angeles Police Department has just announced its War on Graffiti program.

An LAPD spokesperson, Harry Watkinfaust stated that this vandalistic act of tagging buildings, houses, and even automobiles is going to be stopped.

He added that the LAPD has formed a new task force to combat this senseless act of defacing.

The task force is called The Anti-Graffiti Alliance Group or AG2. Detective Edmund "Nails" Tortelloni will be heading up the special unit who will be patrolling the streets of L.A. looking for the little low-life, scumbags who think it's cute to mess up people's property.

Detective Tortelloni was asked how the police department will deal with the so-called Graffiti Geeks. He paused for a second and responded by saying that it ain't gonna be pretty.

He noted that when individuals are caught in the act of spray painting graffiti on city-owned bridges, overpasses, or street signs they are going to be handcuffed immediately.

The officer or officers will then proceed to take the can of paint spray and spray it all over the perp's hair.

The lawbreaking punk will then be hit repeatedly with the can of spray paint much in the same manner as one would hit a birthday piƱata with a stick.

Afterwards he will be taken down to Police Headquarters where he will be photographed and fingerprinted.

Tortelloni went on to say that any punk giving the officer or officers any lip will have his tongue spray painted as well.

The detective pointed out that this may seem somewhat harsh but the Los Angeles Police Department and all of the law-abiding citizens of Los Angeles are fed up with a handful of bottom-feeders messing up the landscape.

SIDENOTE: Detective Tortelloni added that due to the unlawful aspect of the vandalistic situation the paint sprayers will not be allowed to hire an attorney.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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