Longtime senator Chester Snavely held a press conference on the steps of the Repentant Sinner Monastery in Valdosta, Georgia as he announced his decision to resign from the Senate and become a monk. Senator Snavely, long known for his support of the oil and tobacco industries, stunned his fellow Senators with his dramatic announcement. The senator met reporters on the steps of the monastery and proceeded to explain the reasons behind his unexpected resignation.
Dressed in a simple brown robe, he began "I decided that I could not stand myself anymore the way I was. I had to do something. I was bought and sold more times than Apple shares on the stock exchange. I think the decisive moment came when I discovered a used version of myself for sale on e-bay for $5,000. The seller turned out to be a lobbyist for the oil industry who had originally bought me for $25,000. Now, pollution is harmful, but you have to understand my situation at the time he purchased me. I was in a tight race for reelection and needed money for television ads."
"When I think of how I stood up on the floor of the Senate and said that oil spills are beneficial to sea life, I am deeply ashamed. In my support of the lumber industry, I probably destroyed more trees than a California wildfire. I know I have a lot to answer for; that is why I am making this effort to purify myself."
When asked by a reporter to describe his first week as a monk, former Senator Snavely replied "It was difficult; there are no women here. When I went on corporate sponsored junkets, I was able to grab more bottoms than an NFL quarterback under center. I was wined, dined and treated like royalty. All I had to do was cast my vote in favor of the industry. I do miss the ladies; my fellow monks are not very attractive. Perhaps that's a good thing. My soul needs intense purification after 20 years in the United States Senate.
On the subject of signs of spiritual progress during his first week in the monastery, the former Senator told reporters "well it's far too early for that. I can tell you I feel greater peace with the knowledge that in the past week, I have done nothing to harm people or the environment. That is more than I can say for my time as a member of the Senate."
In response to a question on his major regrets as a Senator, he replied "well two actions come to mind. The first was when I introduced a bill to permit fracking inside Yellowstone National Park", but again you have to understand I needed the money, The second was when I submitted a bill entitled "The Pedophile Protection Act" that would have barred jail time for first time pedophiles. Fortunately, it died in committee."
Asked if he had any advice for his former colleagues in the Senate, he said "The Lord forgave the prostitute Mary Magdalen. He will forgive you as well if you repent and leave that house of prostitution known as the Capitol. Leaving it behind is the path to your personal salvation." Senator Snavely then blessed the press corps before entering the monastery.