Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Topics: Republicans, GOP

Sunday, 18 August 2013

image for The GOP to Split into Three

At a strategy meeting in Boston by the Republican National Committee last week, Reince Preibus, the RNC Chairman, announced that the GOP, in acknowledging the political reality facing the splintered party, will split into three. The Republican brand will still retain the familiar acronym "GOP," but the letters, Preibus announced, will now stand for

1) The Grumpy Old Poopers. These will be the members of the party who still live in the 1950's, Preibus explained. They are the faction of the party who yearn for another, earlier America, when the South and much of the North permitted whites and blacks to drink at different water fountains and dine in their own restaurants; when school systems were not based on the content of one's character, but the color of one's skin; and when gays routinely provided aerobic exercise to hormone-driven young men with nothing else to do but beat up suspected "fags." Said Senator James Sensenbrenner, who remembers that time fondly, "Ah! That was the America I knew and loved!"

2) The Generally Obstructionist Pricks. This is basically the virulently anti-government Tea Party faction of the GOP, represented by fire-brands like Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Mike Lee, and--up until the time he attempted to compromise on the Immigration Bill--Marco Rubio. Like the Grumpy Old Poopers, they too remember another, mostly white America, and would like to return to those days when the only people on the government dole were white people like themselves. But they also remember the days when the office of the Presidency was occupied solely by white Christian men who believed that their wives were beautiful, chaste breeding cows who didn't work outside the home, godly women who couldn't wait to open their legs to vaginal probes, as God intended.

3) The Grand Old Party: This is the smallest faction of the party, consisting, at this point, of three members--John McCain, Susan Collins, and Lindsey Graham. Reince Preibus said that the Republican Party intends to grandfather out this last faction and let the Grand Old Poopers and Generally Obstructionist Pricks fight it out in 2016.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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