Senator James Sensenbrenner, a long-time senator from Wisconsin and an outspoken denier of global warming, was eaten by a polar bear on Wednesday morning when he went out to pick up his morning newspaper.
The polar bear, named Syler, was sitting at a make-shift table with napkin, plate, and utensils in place, waiting outside the Senator's house to eat the meaty congressman for breakfast. Neighbors seeing the polar bear sitting on the front lawn thought the bear was Sensenbrenner himself, who is known for his girth as well as his stance on global warming, and thought nothing of it.
Said Syler, the polar bear: "The Arctic Circle is quickly turning into one large lake! My fellow polar bears know that global warming is real, as do about 98% of climate scientists worldwide; and yet this asshole, whose background encompasses political science and law, denies that anthropogenic warming is contributing to climate change. The polar bear community decided that the best way to take on global warming is to take out its most vociferous deniers. We've dispatched about a dozen polar bears to the Koch brothers' estate and the CATO Institute for a barbecue, though I prefer my meat raw."
When Syler was asked whether he was concerned about the amount of methane gas produced by ingesting a hearty meal like Sensenbrenner, he replied, picking his teeth with a tine from the Senator's comb: "Yes, I thought of that. But as I see it, better him than me! And anyway, the methane gas produced by ingesting climate change deniers, even a fat ass like Senator Sensenbrenner, pales in comparison to the carbon emissions produced by agribusiness and fossil fuels worldwide."
Authorities in Wisconsin, on apprehending Syler, couldn't decide whether to detain him or to nominate him for a Rachel Carson Humanitarian Award.