Written by Michael Balton
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Tuesday, 13 August 2013

image for NYPD swaps 'Stop & Frisk' for 'Cop A Ride'
"Come on and take a free ride."

New York -- With a Federal judge challenging the constitutionality of its "Stop & Frisk" initiatives, the New York Police Department is trading its racially profiled patdowns for a more aggressive game plan.

Called "Cop A Ride," the new campaign involves disguising 5,000 of the force's patrol cars as gypsy cabs. "That's the bait in this crime-reducing initiative," said Mayor Mike Bloomberg in announcing the program.

"Patrol officers ride around in what looks like an illegal taxi, offering free rides to random pedestrians.

"When the suspect agrees to a ride in the illegal cab, he automatically becomes a perpetrator and is driven directly to jail by the arresting officer. There, the perp is booked for violating any number of our taxi and limousine regulations."

Bloomberg and Police Commissioner Ray Kelly both require Tommy John surgery from incessantly patting themselves on the back for reducing crime. But critics say they might be better served by lobotomies.

FBI figures show that virtually every city in the United States, with the exception of Chicago, has enjoyed a dramatic reduction in crime, without suffering from the rigors of Stop & Frisk.

And crime continues to drop in New York City, while its police force shrinks due to budgetary realities. That trend indicates that fewer cops and more on street video cameras might be the formula for less crime.

But topping the statistical pie is a study by New York University witch found that virtually all NYPD claims of reducing crime with its programs of harassment are numerically flawed.

That's not surprising since the department has been accused by its own officers of falsifying arrest records to enhance its crime-fighting image.

"Screw the statistics," Bloomberg declared. "With this new Cop A Ride effort, there's no question that the suspect is a criminal, so the NYPD will get full credit for reducing crime," Bloomberg said.

"Think of Cop A Ride as a new version of 'Cash Cab' only instead of giving you money, you win an all expense paid trip to Rikers. And there's no need for a tip."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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