Written by Bushman09
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Tuesday, 13 August 2013

image for Crime Boss Whitey Bulger Found Guilty of Cheesy Porn Name

BOSTON- James "Whitey" Bulger, the former South Boston crime boss was found guilty by a federal court jury of having one of the cheesiest, inaccurate porn names in recent memory. Bulger, who ran criminal operations in Boston for over 20 years before going into hiding for 16 years, refused to take the stand to defend his own name.

"This guy virtually disappeared off the face of the map, because the mere mention of his name conjured up smoky, poorly lit, porn films, " said federal prosecutor Brick Johnson in his closing arguments. "He might as well have been named Caucasian Boner, or Ivory Johnson."

During the trial, federal prosecutors also noted that at age 83, Bulger's last name was hardly accurate. The federal government called several expert witnesses to the stand to define what truly would constitute a man being known as "a bulger". One witness claimed that less that 0.3% of white men in the U.S. could truly live up to the name "bulger", so for James to call himself Whitey Bulger was indeed a stretch.

The Fed's star witness was a member of the Santa Monica YMCA, who testified he often shared the steam room with Bulger after morning workouts.

Bulger was also found guilty of racketeering and murder conspiracy, and faces spending the rest of his life in prison, where fellow prisoners will also likely try him on the accuracy of his name.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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