Philadelphia, PA-- A local man is in the hospital tonight after eating something very old from the back of his refrigerator. Eddie Spaghetti apparently ate some lettuce that was purchased all the way back in 1987. The awful meal landed him in the ICU.
Mr. Spaghetti says he was looking for something healthy and green to eat when he spotted the ancient head of lettuce.
"I made a New Year's resolution to eat better--I think it was sometime during the 1980's." said Mr. Spaghetti. "I also made a resolution to clean out the refrigerator--it hasn't been cleaned since 1991." he confessed.
The green lettuce that Mr. Spaghetti consumed turned black from decay about twenty years ago. Doctors believe a furry green fungus then colonized the remains and poisoned Mr. Spaghetti after he ate it.
"There are lots of strange things in back of that refrigerator, and some of it is living." he said with fear in his voice. "What else could be back there??" he wondered.
Local officials aren't waiting around to see what crawls out of Mr. Spaghetti's freaky refrigerator--they burned his house down.
"Look, if you don't clean your refrigerator for decades then you are a public health hazard." said an official as he watched Mr. Spaghetti's house burn. "This guy had a refrigerator like something out of a Steven King novel."