A recent security conference held at Aspen Colorado was sponsored by CNN and emceed by Wolf Blitzer. He opened by saying that he knew how hard it was "to run an operation like this." One of the first to speak was former Attorney General under the Bush administration, John Ashcroft. He is now a part of Academi security firm, formerly known as Blackwater, where he is working feverishly to reduce staff killings of civilians in Iraq and Afghanistan while encouraging employees to cut down a tad on their use of cocaine and steroids as part of his efforts to transform them into a kinder and more compassionate bunch.
After entertaining the crowd of NSA, security consultants, the Justice Department, the FBI, CIA and others who are keeping Americans safe from every one but them, Mr. Ashcroft offered a stunning and innovative proposal to solve America's unemployment problem.
Prior to explaining the brilliant plan, he joked that not only did America offer more to potential terrorists and their relatives and friends than being killed by drones; he mentioned that America has a "nuanced" arsenal of torture that made it likely that terrorists or would be terrorists might prefer the missiles to strike them than face torture. "It's not true that we have relied solely on the kinetic option.-We wouldn't have so many detainees if we'd relied on the ability to exterminate people. We've had a blended and nuanced approach and for the guy who's on the other end of a Hellfire missile he doesn't see that as a nuance." This brought a big laugh from the responsive audience.
Forum moderator Catherine Herridge of Fox News complemented Mr. Ashcroft "You have a way with words," evidently filled with admiration for the former Attorney General. The audience was delighted, although somewhat puzzled by the reference to the unemployment problem in America since the problems of ordinary Americans were not an area to which they devoted much attention, having assumed most of the unemployed were probably slackers anyway. However, as soon as Mr. Ashcroft began to explain the details proposal, they sat mesmerized in rapt attention as he outlined his bold and exciting plan,
Mr. Ashcroft began "Many of you believe we have done an excellent job capturing all e-mails, internet browsing, and telephone communications of both terrorists and the American people, but is this enough I ask you? How do we know what people are doing in their own homes? Well, the answer is we don't know, and we should! We need people on the inside and we need them there right now. Who knows what plots are being cooked up in a two-bedroom house in a suburb in Peoria, or God help us, an apartment in San Francisco?
We need on-site monitoring! To further strengthen the security of the nation, may I present a solution in the form of the "Homeland Security Household Guest Program" For the cost of a recliner, basic salary and benefits and Starbucks lattes, we can install homeland security houseguests in the homes of all suspected terrorists, liberals, homosexuals, anyone in the porn or entertainment industry, academics, students (except those attending Christian colleges), and other suspicious citizens. I am not suggesting we need to place a house guest in everyone's home, far from it.
We need not bother with God fearing Baptist and other fundamentalist religious groups, Boy Scouts, Citizens United, and of course Conservatives who deeply love our nation."
He continued, growing ever more enthused. "The recliner will serve the purpose of providing a comfortable environment for the houseguests; we know many of the unemployed are lazy. They need to feel relaxed while keeping their ears open for what is happening in the household. There will be no need for bedroom space as homeland security houseguests will work in eight hour shifts. Starbucks will deliver triple lattes to them to ensure they are sufficiently wired for suspicious sounds.
This program will significantly reduce the government burden of paying unemployed people for doing nothing and will render our nation more secure from terrorism than it ever has been!" he roared. "Thank you all very much and God bless America!"
As the speech ended, Wolf Blitzer was the first to jump to his feet as the entire audience rose to give Mr. Ashcroft a standing ovation. NSA Director Keith Alexander then went to the microphone and said "Ladies and gentlemen, this is a proposal whose time has come; we need to take action on this quickly!"
My wife and I are currently clearing space in the living room to make way for the new security house guests. Bill Honer
(Bill Honer is Author of "The Moon Landing and the Mob" and former host of the California cable television program "Social Issues")
Aspen Security Conference Offers Stunning Proposal to Reduce Unemployment in America!
By Bill Honer
Copyright©2013 by Bill Honer