Pocono, Pennsylvania -- Gwendolyn Shopworn, a food researcher from Boston, expired earlier today while attempting to cross Pennsylvania's famous Bushkill Falls on a high wire.
"This is a real tragedy," said Pocono Sheriff Snuffy Anastasia. "She's not anywhere near her expiration date."
Founder of the seasonal protest group Keep Crisco in Christmas, Ms. Shopworn was accompanied on her crossing by a balance pole made of bacon. Her intent was to demonstrate how well fatty foods travel when given the right-of-way.
Unfortunately, the aroma of the cured meat attracted a family of bears.
"Usually, when someone performs a stunt like this, they hire snipers to ensure that no bear or other wildlife disrupts the proceedings," Deputy Sheriff Harper Stenson reported.
"But Gwendolyn was stingy, cheap with her money and stingy with her love," Stenson added.
"I give her credit though. She fought off that 400 pound mama bear with that meat pole of her's for about 20 minutes. I guess we should've stepped in earlier, but the fight was so damn entertaining. With Gwendolen's pole getting shorter and shorter, as the bears gobbled up the bacon.
"Believe me, I've had nights like that. It's no teddy bear's picnic."
Shopworn has no next of kin, but she did enjoy many hobbies, including gourmet dining, supermarket shopping, finding a second restaurant, waiting for the ice cream man, and crispiness.