Air Force One's pilot Reed Mathews was suspended today after he pushed the wrong button causing screaming jet engines to roar to life the very moment President Bush and Barney were boarding the plane. Witnesses say that Barney Bush whirled INTO engine #3 of the 747 but Barney Bush did not whirl out .. at least not as a solid recognizable Terrier shaped tangible mass that witnesses with human tongue could describe but rather as a deep dark chocolate liquorice-like deep ebony black Terrier effervescent type syrupy goo WITH a slight tinge of baby fluorescent powder blue misty glow about him.
President Bush, a bit wider around the middle than Barney was luckily not completely sucked into the jet engine himself, Bush surviving the harrowing experience relatively unscathed losing only his left arm, right one too, half an eyebrow, both ears, the nape of the neck AND his Visa Gold card.
Quick thinking Secret Service agents seeing Bush about to be sucked into one of Air Force One's screaming 285,000 horse power Ram Jet engines wrestled the president away from the wailing intake manifold, slammed him to the pavement and rolled him around on the tarmac until they extinguished the flames engulfing him after the jet fuel in the jet engine set the president's whiskers and hair a'blaze.
Barney, one of America's most beloved First Pets since President Herbert Hoover brought a 21 foot wild African Python into the White House will be missed by many including Congressman Mark Foley's Schnauzer who reportedly along with Foley had a brief IPM (Instant Puppy Messenger) fling with young Barney during an undisclosed time period.
"Sorry about the premature firing of the engines Tower" Air Force One pilot Reed Mathews told flight DC flight controllers from the cockpit earlier today moments after Barney was sucked into engine #3 of Air Force One. Mathews, according to official DC control Tower transcripts told flight controllers
"Tower? I was just trying to hit the Banana Daiquiri button on the dispenser in the cockpit when .. I accidentally hit the Rev_Jet_Engines button instead are you there Tower? I'm looking out the cockpit window. Barney seems to be missing and the president's feet are dangling out of the edge of engine #3 about to be sucked in I'm shutting Engine #3 down .. now. ... Tower .. Is .. is Barney OK? Are we cleared for take-off? .. Tower?"