Written by Moe Nightwalker
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Sunday, 4 August 2013

image for Local 4th Grader Circulates Petition to Decriminalize Peanut Butter Possession

Thomas Bonnie, a 4th grade student at Westside Elementary School in Decatur, IL, has started a petition to decriminalize possession of peanut butter and related products.

Bonnie, who has been caught twice already this school year with peanut products, says he feels like the current school district rules are an infringement on his rights as a kid.

"It's not like I'm dealing Reese's Pieces in the bathrooms after lunch", says Thomas. "Some older kids I know sell the small peanut butter cups out of their lockers. I just want the freedom to enjoy peanuts without having to worry about being expelled."

Master Bonnie has begun interviewing attorneys for his anticipated legal battle. Peter Pan, JIF, and Skippy are expected to contribute creamy and chunky support. Calls to Reese's were not returned.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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