Written by Michael Balton
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Wednesday, 31 July 2013

image for Emergency Priests To Keep Dreamliners Flying
Replica of the Tower of Babel creates a biblical vibe at most modern airports.

Chicago -- Boeing's jumbo jet of the future, the new 787 Dreamliner, will be flying with a 2000 year-old safety device starting next month.

The jet plane maker plans to equip every 787 with a Catholic priest, assigned to pray that that the plane doesn't burst into flames while in-flight.

The Boeing 787 has been categorized as a fire trap and nicknamed "The Screamliner" after a series of flammable incidents marred the jet's commercial introduction.

"Passengers tend to get annoyed when a plane's batteries self combust and start filling the cabin with thick, acrid smoke," said an unnamed Boeing engineer. "We're going to get out in front of this effect by having an emergency priest pray that it doesn't happen again."

In addition to his safety responsibilities, the emergency priest will use his divine powers to solve other challenges that arise in the passenger cabin.

Not enough in-flight meals to feed all the passengers? No problem. The emergency priest can transform a leftover dinner roll and a can of sardines into enough "loaves and fishes" to keep hungry flyers satisfied for a month.

In-flight entertainment a bore? The emergency priest can ramp-up the show with a playlist of amazing illusions, including turning slimy airline water into cheap airline wine and resurrecting the copilot from the dead.

That last heart stopping trick will serve as a comforting reminder that the emergency priest will be on hand to deliver last rites to all passengers "who might require them. We're just saying."

In announcing its emergency priest program, Boeing acknowledged the shortage of Catholic clergy, saying that it will train its own priests in its Chicago headquarters.

"We have developed a state-of-the-art Faith Simulator, which enables us to produce a full-featured priest in just six months," the announcement said. "It takes twice as long for us to produce one of our drone pilots. That just goes to show you that the devil really is in the details."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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