Written by Michael Balton
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Tuesday, 30 July 2013

image for Weiner's Wiener Reports The News
"Testing, one, two, three…"

This is Anthony Weiner's Wiener reporting from New York. We seem to have misplaced our communications director and campaign manager, so I'll take over those roles starting now.

Item 1. Bill and Hillary paid us a visit last night. They were not too happy when Anthony informed them that he was not pulling out. (I know what that feels like.) Hillary threw a splash of reliable but still pretentious Merlot at Anthony.''

As usual, she was off target and most of the wine landed on Huma's white dress. Her famous sense of humor has evaporated faster than that cheap Merlot.

Hillary is also acting like she doesn't know us. She refilled her glass for a second barrage, which turned Anthony's face red, as if he were embarrassed. That's something you'll never see.

Not to be outdone by the Mrs., Bill tried to single-handedly grab me with the stated purpose of separating me from my host. I think his exact words were: "That little thing isn't going to cause any more trouble, because I'm ripping it off right now."

Item 2. We did another Candidate Forum with all the other contenders. Anthony argued that "it takes a big pair" to govern the city as large as New York. He then challenged the other candidates to provide photographic evidence, as he has done repeatedly.

Item 3. Carlos Danger has become a vital part of our team. Everywhere we go, people are asking for him and calling out his name. I wouldn't be surprised if he was named Police Commissioner before this is all over. We need someone friendly at the NYPD, because you know sooner or later Anthony's "hobby" is going to get him arrested.

Item 4. We dropped like a rock in the polls. As campaign manager, I have to figure out why. Perhaps I should make more personal appearances like I did in the beginning when Anthony posted photos of me on the Internet, and made me a star. Yeah, that's it. I need to get out more. Mingle with the voters. Shake some hands. Visit some urinals. I've got to go.

This is Anthony Weiner's Wiener, signing off with one urgent request: please stop mistaking me for the microphone.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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