Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Topics: GOP, Rand Paul

Monday, 29 July 2013

image for Last Progressive Republican Dies; to Be Stuffed and Exhibited at the Carnegie Museum of Natural History in Pittsburgh

William Warren Scranton, a former governor of Pennsylvania and a one-time presidential candidate who ran as a progressive Republican against paleo-GOP candidate Barry Goldwater, died Monday at the age of 96 of a cerebral hemorrhage.

Scranton, who himself hailed from a wealthy family, actually increased the income tax of Pennsylvanians as governor and helped to establish the community college system in his state, to make college more affordable to middle class students in Pennsylvania. Scranton once said: "The value of government to the people it serves is in direct relationship to the interest citizens themselves display in the affairs of state."

Because millions of people across the United States have never seen a progressive Republican, the last specimen of which was thought to have gone extinct over thirty years ago, Scranton's family has asked that the former governor be stuffed and put on display in the Carnegie Museum of Natural History in Pittsburgh, to prove that such a species at one time existed.

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus put out a statement about the proposed exhibit: "The Republican Party emphatically denies evolutionary theory, as is no doubt proven by the existence of Rand Paul, Todd Akin, and Ted Cruz."

Neither Senators Paul nor Cruz could be reached for grunt.

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