Written by janet eve josselyn
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Topics: botox, Youth, face, wrinkles

Monday, 29 July 2013

image for Botox Causes Premature Death of Poker-Faced Women

Botox has been used for decades to reduce the signs of aging but only recently have neurophysiologists discovered that the health risks include a 100% chance of dying prematurely with a "poker face." The botulinum toxin A is the most powerful neurotoxin known. Until recently, the long-term effects of injecting it were unknown. But recent studies reveal that as a result of repeated use over many years, botulism causes paralysis of the respiratory muscles which results in death by asphyxiation (called "serious adverse effects" by the manufacturer, Allergan). Open caskets are trending, however, as none of the Botoxed women look old enough to even qualify for an AARP card.

Considering that the muscle-paralyzing Botox injections must be repeated every six months, it stands to reason that the powerful neurotoxin migrates away from the wrinkle site and goes elsewhere in the body. "Where the hell do those rubber-faced broads think it goes?" asked Brian Mitchell, the Vice-President of Botox Spin Control at Allergan. "Of-course it goes down with gravity to their esophagus and lungs over time, just like their boobs do."

The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) recently mandated that Botox carry a warning label explaining that the risk of the toxin spreading to other parts of the body could cause serious problems with swallowing and/or breathing. The legal department at Allergan responded with a statement that "Anyone experiencing difficulty swallowing or breathing should call 9-1-1 immediately and explain (if they were still able to speak or breathe) that they might be afflicted with Botox-induced paralysis of the throat or lungs." The Legal Department is still chuckling over that one (but clearly, they don't get out much, and when they do, they tend to talk too loudly in bars while drinking loser-drinks, like wine spritzers).

On a more positive note, applications for admittance to assisted-living facilities for the Botox-challenged have skyrocketed upon the revelation that if the Botulinum toxin does not kill you, you may want to reserve a spot at a facility that can provide gourmet meals through a feeding tube in conjunction with a heart-lung machine.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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