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Saturday, 27 July 2013

image for Statue of World War II Hero Duck, Quentin Quackers, to Be Waddled into Duck Heritage Museum
Quentin Quackers at your command sir!

It's been 68 years and a billion roasted ducks since World War II ended. Over that time span memories have faded, people have become jaded and copious culinary duck recipes have been created. Somewhere buried in the annals of history are the accomplishments of a very charismatic, unflappable and tasty mallard duck, Quentin Quackers, whose clairvoyance combined with his heroic actions and overt plumpness led the allied forces to victory at the Battle of the Bung.

The Battle of the Bung was the most famous World War II battle that no one has ever heard of.

Quentin Quackers' painted wooden replica of his self will be unveiled tomorrow afternoon at the Duck Heritage Museum at 1:00 PM where it will be waddled in between the likenesses of the three most influential ducks in the world, Donald Duck, Daffy Duck and Fucking Duck Man.

To further highlight Quentin's war heroics, his statue will not be placed upon a pillar like the other great ones but in a roasting pan and placed upon a makeshift oven. Quentin's statue will stay in the museum until the beginning of duck hunting season where it will double as a duck decoy.

Little is known about the affable duck's pre-war life, only that he was born Larry Duck on a farm in Iowa owned by farmer Brown and quacked the first years of his life with his mother, father and two brothers. He took a coop hen as a wife at the age of genital discovery and the two of them feathered four fugly-assed chucklings who were constantly bullied by the other barnyard animals who upon every appearance chanted "Chucklings, chucklings, bo bucklings, banana fanna fo fu…." Meh, you go figure it out.

At the age of two with the days nearing the Thanksgiving holiday Mr. Brown came to find the family turkey had donned one of his wife's dresses and a wig and had run off with a traveling toothpick salesman. When an infuriated farmer Brown gave Larry and his family one of those "I'm going to eat you looks" Larry flew away and joined the army as a short order cook under the alias of Quentin Quackers, a name Larry surmised sounded more military like.

Once out of boot camp, Quentin was activated into combat as a short order cook in a platoon of special forces consisting entirely of mimes. His platoon was deployed on a covert mission to destroy an underground factory in France that produced all of the bungs to be used in the German beer kegs. The allied forces' strategy was to deflate German moral by stifling Germany's brewing process, thus, forcing German soldiers to drink American Budweiser.

By deploying mimes the integrity of the mission would be protected as none of the mimes would ever talk if caught and tortured. Quentin, would, also, be an asset to the mission due to the fact that if he got caught the Germans would forgo questioning and torturing him and go straight to cooking and eating him.

The platoon arrived at their destination at 6:00 AM on July 8, 1944, which was the bung plant's opening time as well as the start of Adolph Hitler's William Shatner Tribute Day. While stealthily positioning themselves for the impending attack, the platoon sergeant tripped on a tree root, falling hard to the ground and breaking both of his wrists. When the sergeant went to give the platoon the attack order he could only mime the screaming words of "Shut the fuck up!" due to deteriorated finger dexterity.

Confusion and panic reigned throughout the platoon whose members were sure the sergeant's screaming would blow their cover. They tried to calm the sergeant by miming "Stop screaming you limp fingered idiot" back at him to no avail.

When all seemed lost, Quentin Quackers suddenly flew past the line in his cooking apron and into the plants open front door. He began beating the German guards vehemently with a dirty spoon with the tenacity of a shrew gnawing through the rubber casing of a live copper wire.

The rest of the platoon followed Quentin's lead allowing them to secure the factory and free the indentured French factory workers who were more than happy to surrender the facility to them. A raucous celebration followed with the mimes miming the song The Sound of Silence. Sometime during the celebration, a drunken Quentin threw off his clothes, jumped on top of a couple of cases of bungs and attempted to lead the revelers in the "quack quack" verse of Old Madonna had to fart. It didn't take but a minute before the stunned partiers realized that Quentin was a duck and that they were fucking hungry as hell.

As fast as a turd could hit the ground they had Quentin in a roasting pan sitting over a pit fire consisting of discarded William Shatner greatest hits albums.

While this may seem to be a tragedy, historians have pointed out that roast duck was on the platoon's menu for that day which may explain why he went berserk when he did. Either that or it was the plant's gramophone playing William Shatner singing: Someone left the cake out in the rain.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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