Written by Moe Nightwalker
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Thursday, 25 July 2013

image for Newspapers print one issue for next 2 years

To reduce costs, newspapers are going to print just one issue for the next 2 years.  They will review it weekly and update some names as appropriate. 

"We realize that the stories are the same every day. Therefore, we don't need to be paying writers and layout teams to recreate the paper each day," explains Guy Slack, editor of the Springfield Ledger. 

The single edition paper will have the following articles:

International news

  • Syria still disaster
  • Car bomb in Iraq
  • Afghanistan insults US while taking their money
  • Egypt rioting, government changes again
  • N. Korea behaving like 3 year old
  • Britain excited about some royal event
  • China, determined to outpace US, adds chemicals to all foods
  • Famous person has baby or arrested for drug use
  • US politician works for Middle East Peace in hopes of winning Noble


National news

  • Conservative politician with history of anti-gay rhetoric admits he's gay
  • Witness testifies at trial of the century
  • Congress accomplishes nothing
  • Sports figure commits crime involving drugs and/or gun
  • Senator "did nothing immoral" in wake of sex scandal


Business news

  • Health care, education costs increasing faster than overall inflation rate
  • Teenager invents app, becomes millionaire
  • Big company violates law, damages environment
  • Filthy rich Wall St guy arrested for stealing more money than he can count
  • Military contractors warn of massive layoffs if inflated budget is not passed
  • CEO makes more money than all employees combined


Local news

  • Political candidate falsified military record, medals
  • Tax hike threatened as revenues fall
  • Roads and bridges falling apart, no funds for maintenance
  • Drunk in canoe drowns
  • Local volunteer embezzles thousands from charity group


Sports

  • Playing in the NFL causes life-long injuries
  • NHL and NBA playoffs last as long as the regular season
  • Top NCAA football program paid players, now being investigated
  • Old player with almost nothing left holds out for huge contract, refuses to retire
  • Today's scoreboard: Indians hatchet birds while Tigers roar passed opponents and Sharks circle before going for the kill

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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