Milwaukie, Wisconsin native, Eric Schnowden, is like any other American citizen. He gets up in the morning, takes a shower, grabs a Jimmy Dean Breakfast Bowl out of his microwave, watches the morning news about the latest presidential scandal, gets dressed, goes outside and immediately gets tased by an FBY drone and arrested.
(It should be noted here that Schnowden is a white guy and the guy running the drone is a yellowishy sort of mullatto white guy).
Unlike normal Americans, this has happened to Mr. Schnowden 105 t imes 102.135 more times than the average American. The fact that Mr. Schnowden looks exactly like America's most wanted airport transient may, somehow, have something to do with this.
Having the last name of Schnowden is rumored to, also, play a part in his current dismay.
"It's been an absolute nightmare", lamented Schnowden who wore a hat to hide the tattoo on his forehead which stated: 'If you see me, call the fucking FBY'. "I'll never forget the first instance of this whole debacle when I had just awakened and my front and back door as well as every window was broken into by a bunch of FBY agents screaming: 'Get down you terroristity type bastard or we will blow your hard drives out!"
"Man, they even had a midget agent crawling through my cat door with a fur ball in his mouth!"
"One of the agents grabbed a Justin Bieber doll, put a gun up to his head and screamed: 'GIVE US THE BRITNEY SPEARS BEAVER SHOTS OR HE GETS IT!'"
"When I told them I've never shot any beavers named Britney Spears the guy pulled the trigger and blew the dolls head off, which, really wasn't so bad because I hate Justin Bieber. I only had the stupid thing in my house because my girlfriend gave it to me celebrate Ramadan which I thought was really dumb because we never spent a night at a Ramada Hotel".
"What really sucked is the bullet ended up hitting my Madonna blowup doll in the right tit and it went 'BLLRRRRPPPY' all over the room and ended up on his face causing him to start screaming: 'I'M BLINDED, I'M BLINDED! SECURE THE CIRCLY THINGY! CALL IN THE NAVY EELS!'"
"Man, it sucked because I really liked that Madonna blowup doll".
"After everyone calmed down, they first called in a special secret unit called Chang's Laundry so they could all change their underwear. Chang's slogan is: 'If it is brown it is going down town'"
"After their wardrobe adjustment they leered over me and sneered: 'So you think by buying a couple of cosmonauts on E-Bay will get you off Scott free!"
"To which I answered: 'I didn't buy any cosmonauts and I am Scott free, I only use Charmin!"
"Oh yeah!" the big bastard laughed. "How do you explain the 'ch' in front of the 'n' in your name? Huh? We know languages, we know alphabetsis stuff and no one, and I mean no one uses a 'ch' in front of an 'n'. Geez pal your fucking with the FBY. We're linguini experts here you moron! You must think that we were born next Saturday!"
"Oh yeah", I replied. "What about Schnucks, Schneider and Schnoodle?"
"Exactly you little fuck", he triumphantly replied. "They are all in Gitmo BARBEE! And that's where you're going pal, after we get done snowboarding you".
"To make a long story short, they eventually let me go after realizing they didn't have any snow to snowboard me with (it's fucking July for God's Sake). Thank goodness I didn't let them know about the snow cone making machine in the kitchen".
"But, since that time I pretty much get arrested every time I leave my house. Apparently, the US Government is giving out reward money for the capture of Eric Snowden. I get turned in left and right. Somehow, I'm starting to think that the tattoo on my forehead may have something to do with this, along with the fact that I look a lot like George Clooney, except better, which I am sure makes him jealous as hell".
"Honestly, I was at strip bar once where I paid a dancer for a lap dance. When I went to the back room, instead of a stripper I got a 400 pound FBY agent jumping on top of me. What really sucked is that, I not only got arrested and didn't get a lap dance, but I didn't get a refund either. Now if the guy would have weighed half his weight I probably wouldn't be complaining".
"Geez, I can't take this anymore. I'm going to legally change my name to Snowed-In, which should pretty much put an end to this whole fiasco".
In other news Ben Bernanke, the chairman of the Federal Reserve, has announced that the neighborhood where Eric Schnowden lives is now the most prosperous neighborhood in the US.