WASHINGTON, DC --- In a surprise---some might say, an astonishing---admission during a recent White House press conference during which he eulogized the late anti-Semitic bigot Helen Thomas, President Obama admitted that, when he was the same age as Trayvon Martin, he, too, might have assualted a mixed-race Hispanic-Caucasian man. "Trayvon [Martin] could have been me," he told astounded reporters.
He claimed that Martin was "racially profiled" by his killer, George Zimmerman, who was declared "not guilty by reason of self-defense" by "an all-girl jury," Obama lamented. "Everybody knows chicks are bigots," he added.
Obama said "this nation, after electing a black man as its president not once but twice," needs to "examine its soul, if it has one." By law, Obama is forbidden to run for reelection a second time.
The president first entered the controversial case by interjecting himself into the business of the Florida courts, before the trial, saying, "Trayvon could have been my son," suggesting that he has had an extramarital affair. Some pundits believe that Obama's personal interest in the case stems from his having fathered the youth. "From now on," the president said, "whites need to lock their car doors and their women need to clutch their purses whenever I'm near."
In an effort to affect the jury's decision, Obama sent federal "organizers" to Tampa, the scene of Zimmerman's trial, and, now that Zimmerman has been exonerated by a jury of his peers, expressed pleasure that the Department of Injustice is reviewing the case to see whether "Zimmerman can be retried on some trumped-up charge or another."