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Sunday, 21 July 2013

WASHINGTON, DC --- Aspiring centenarian and anti-Semite, Helen Thomas, 92, died at home following a long mental illness. As he prepared his eulogy concerning the contrarian White House press corpsman, speechwriters reminded President Obama that "corpsman" is pronounced "core-man," not "corpse-man." It was embarrassing enough, critics contend, when Obama referred to Coast Guard personnel as "corpse men" shortly after assuming his duties as he U. S. military's commander in chief. To mispronounce the word at Thomas' eulogy would be "beyond embarrassing," Vice-President Joe Biden told The Spoof. "As one who himself is given to making gaffes, Biden should know," the president said.

Described as "feisty" by some and as "anti-Semitic" by many, the feisty, anti-Semitic Lebanese journalist sat front and center, in a chair with an extra-large seat, labeled for her exclusive use, grilling presidents as far back as George Washington-or so it seems. In reality, the first president she badgered mercilessly was Dwight D. Eisenhower, who, in reference to Thomas' unflattering appearance, christened her "a media bulldog."

She frequently brought up questions about "the Jewish problem" during presidential press conferences, much to the chagrin of presidents and colleagues alike. "I have strong views," she said, when accused of antisemitism. Her views were so "strong," in fact, that her long-time employer finally "retired" (i. e., fired) her in January 2011, when she suggested that "the Jews should get the hell out of Palestine and go back to the gas chambers of Poland and Germany, where they belong." Thereafter, she worked for a time for the Moonies founder, Sun Myung Moon, before becoming a part-time "contributing writer" for a U. S. tabloid called Yellow Journalism.

Obama said that Thomas' remarks about the Jews "should not have been voiced," but regards her fondly as a "true liberal" and a "defender of right."

"Somewhere, Helen Thomas is asking God to justify his mysterious ways," an Anti-Defamation League spokesperson said. "I can hear her now: 'How is it that you made Jews your Chosen People?" and "What's your position on Palestine?"

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