WASHINGTON D.C. In the wake of the much-televised George Zimmerman trial, with echoes of loud protests over the verdict audible from the street, another sound can be heard inside the congressional chambers: the clinking of champagne glasses.
Following extensive media coverage, and lengthy debates over whether or not Trayvon Martin's killing was murder or self defense, Congress can finally breathe a sigh of relief.
The general public seems to be more outraged about the racial implications of the decision made by a 6-person jury than the fact that the exact same scenario that played out in Florida more than 16 months ago is still legal, and very little has been done to stop it.
"We were so freaked out, you have no idea!" exclaimed an excited congressman, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "Sure, it's annoying to hear yet another race debate in this country, but I'm a white male over the age of 50, so I'm pretty sure people would think I'm racist anyway."
As racial tension began to build before the verdict was reached, gun manufacturers have already begun making large donations to news agencies across the nation. Sources from CNN claim that some came in the form of large sums of money with heartfelt, handwritten notes gushing with thanks and gratitude. Others came in the form of custom, personalized shotguns for everybody on payroll. It's been a beautiful day for anyone who's been worried about keeping Americans safe, and upholding the second amendment.
"The scariest moment came right after the trial, when Obama addressed the nation." reported a buzzed congressional intern. "I mean, he pretty much told everyone to think about the state of our gun control laws. I thought we might have to kill another few weeks 'deliberating' on that boring material all over again! I was like 'Shoot me now!'"
Though the trial itself saw a judge banning all mention of racial arguments, the media certainly relished the challenge of making the trial entirely about race. "I just knew our viewers would be bored if they heard another report about gun control, so we decided to put a more relatable spin to it," admits an unconfirmed source from MSNBC. "Think about the positives that come from this: think about bonding in communities around the country as people take to the streets to talk about how this story impacts their personal lives!" FOX news could not be reached for comment.
"All I can say is, thank GOD the average American wasn't motivated enough to actually watch the trial," said Taylor Fergusson, a member of the NRA and intern at a local news station, adding "I think it's important to give people a chance to cool off on that gun control stuff and go back to a topic that we all already have opinions about. It's just more comfortable this way."