Written by Michael Balton
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Sunday, 14 July 2013

image for George Zimmerman to be tapped to head the NYPD
The NYPD will be on a roll with a commissioner with a quick trigger finger.

New York City -- Lame duck Mayor Michael Bloomberg is working to install neighborhood watch favorite George Zimmerman as the city's next Police Commissioner.

"Think of this as my going away present to the city," said Bloomberg, who will be out of City Hall by the new year. "New York needs a law enforcement professional who knows how to shoot first and ask questions later. Zimmerman is that bang-bang player."

Bloomberg has worked closely with the current police Commissioner, Ray "Machine Gun" Kelly, in instituting a Stop and Frisk Policy throughout the city. The tactic, which functions as a workaround to the fourth amendment, allows the city's beat cops to search anyone they want -- any time, anywhere.

Bloomberg and Kelly claim that the policy reduces crime. In fact the numbers show that the more the NYPD shrinks, the less criminal activity takes place. Maybe if the police department was dismantled entirely, crime would disappear.

Meanwhile, an independent report recently condemned the police for cooking the books that contain the city's crime statistics. It's an indication that the police can not prove the effectiveness of invasive tactics.

So not surprisingly, considerable political resistance has been building against Stop and Frisk.

"They're trying to take all the fun out of it," Bloomberg said of his critics. "But George Zimmerman has shown the way to make it work without worrying about civil suits and monitoring by citizen review panels. George has elevated Stop and Frisk to Stop and Kill. And I can hardly wait until he brings it to New York."

But there are still some details to take care of. The plan is to trade Kelly and two deputy police inspectors to be named later to whatever Florida community has current jurisdiction over Zimmerman, who was unavailable for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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