Written by joseph k winter
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Sunday, 14 July 2013

image for Grand Spymaster Readying New Lists and Nod to General Bootheel
The spymaster enjoys online bingo during his breaks

The Guard Dog has identified "the grand spymaster," referred to recently by Rand Paul, as Mr. Cornelius Crapper (no relation to James Clapper, Director of National Intelligence, but located in an office down the hall).

Due to a Guard Dog embed in the Grand Spymaster's office, new information is emerging about Mr. Crapper's inclinations and habits.

First, everything the Spymaster office does is engaged in solid principles founded in "national interests."

National interests are defined as a) containing the terrorists and b) enhancing today's fragile economy, as with robust security industries.

Containing the terrorists in turn divides into a) foreign types and b) domestic types. Mr. Crapper has admitted that in the case of "domestic terrorists" anyone with a gripe about America could be on the list.

Currently, anti-tar sands pipeline people, anti-fracking people, greenpeace people, and assorted occupy people are in this "domestic terrorist" category.

So far, when pressed on this question within the Grand Spymaster's office itself, Mr. Crapper has indicated the pro-abortion clinic and anti-Rick Perry people are NOT on the list. He reiterated, "Not yet."

With the second basic principle, surveiling the entire globe as well as the US public is basic to creating a safe nation and viable police state.

As to General Bootheel's revelations that fly-sized drones will be used soon to keep the American public safe via the "security buddy" apparatus, Mr. Crapper sighed. "Now even that has been revealed. Well, why not? Isn't it logical?"

Getting on board in support of these principles and current practices, the Grand Spymaster's office counts on MSNBC and The Washington Post as stalwart in support.

Additional boosters can be found with a number of prominent politicians, including the President, all Bush family members, the Clintons, John Kerry, John McCain, and others.

Standing somewhat solitarily in a critical stance are Ron and Rand Paul and Senators Wyden and Udall. Mr. Rand Paul, however, does have the 2016 presidential election to consider in gauging future political winds.

As to political winds Mr. Crapper says he has no ambitions and prefers to remain like a "spider" on the periphery of the surveillance "web." This analogy is his own, and he chuckles upon using it.

He also elaborated on what the surveillance can now achieve, through meta-data profiling and targeting. That is, breakthroughs are occurring due to the developing science of meta-data prediction (or "meta-dix").

According to new technicians in meta-data industries it's now possible to predict, years in advance, a suspect's behavior--entirely based on profiling.

This new "science" (being debated in academia as more correctly termed "art") creates predictability algorithms beyond a person's conscious awareness of deviant behavior.

That is, a person could be arrested and confined entirely based on meta-dix or tendency, even when that person is completely unaware of his or her improper behaviors.

Reading certain kinds of information online, particular language, clothing style, even hair style could be the giveaway, along with criticizing the US government. Mr. Crapper indicates this practice is known as "signature profiling."

In related developments academic departments are rushing to formulate Phd programs and doctorates in Logistical Meta-data at such revered institutions as Harvard and Yale.

Mr. Crapper's own groundbreaking Phd thesis, from Baymouth Institute of Technology (BIT), is titled Tendency, Trend, Certainty in the Meta-data Fix. He is a candidate for the prestigious Sew and Harvest Award recently established by the Koch brothers, ceremonies at The White House.

As to his own personal security, "I have no worries," he said. "I never leave this office."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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