CAIRO, ILLINOIS Local resident Moses ("Moe") Hammet-Morrissey was outed in a coupe on Saturday night when private detective Trixie Scopes photographed him leaving the parking lot of a local gay bar in his Hyundai Elantra, with a much younger man in the shotgun seat.
Scopes explained that she was just doing her job, having been hired by divorce lawyer Ephraim Goldfisch to uncover evidence of marital infidelity on Hammet-Morrissey's part.
Hammet-Morrissey's soon-to-be ex-wife, Chastity Virginia Morrissey, commented: "I'm hardly surprised. I mean, I put on a sexy litle black dress and a romantic candle lit dinner, and he excuses himself to head out to the 'bowling alley'? Come on!"
"I'm not happy now," she added, "but things will be a lot better once our divorce goes through. He can stop living a lie and I can get on with my life."
"And, Moe," she implored dreamily, "if I can score even half as much dick as you do, I'll be one very,very happy girl. If you happen to meet a hot young straight guy, well, just give him my cell number..."
Hammet-Morrissey wished to state that he is neither Egyptian, nor a president, nor Muslim, nor anyone's brother, nor a hood. "Other than that, my days of denial are over."