The board of health recently closed a slow assed, fast food restaurant for being the nastiest place on the planet. One of the short order cooks had recently split up with her biker boyfriend and feeling sexually deprived, made it a practice to wear the restaurants meat under her underwear. She was listed as the cause of a local epidemic of vomiting, headaches and general malaise. The entire community is suing for the cost of their medical care.
The filth started to have the breath of regular patrons smelling as if they were swallowing the slime from dead and decaying squids, which led the local pastor to speak from the pulpit about the evils of cunnilingus (especially committed by women). Nobody in the congregation knew what the hell he was talking about because the odor seems to have been covered up in the mouth of the unsuspecting restaurant patrons by any gum or candy they indulged in. The restaurant noticed a marked increase in the sale of gum and after dinner mints but, the patrons only spoke of a 'dry' mouth condition. Until the local bachelors sat across from each other and giving sly grins asked about the 'new love' interest each of the other. When both denied having a new interest, they asked each other, "what made you think I was seeing somebody?' They each said, "I can smell her on your breath." Sounding like some sick Broadway play's lines, the two compared notes until it became apparent that they were being infected with germs of epidemic proportions by something in the only thing they shared … the restaurant. An investigation found the unusual practices being followed by the deranged cook. I'm eating at home and further investigation is to follow.