Written by Michael Balton
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Saturday, 6 July 2013

image for Snowden whistles a new tune: different chimes for different crimes
Snowden's sonic system opens whistle blowing to a new range of instrumentation.

Sheremetyevo Airport, Moscow -- In an attempt to clarify his future whistle-blowing revelations, former NSA contract spy Edward Snowden has devised a music-based notification system in support of whistle blowers worldwide.

The innovation musically alerts listeners to the type and severity of the activity that is being whistled down.

"When I made this latest round of accusations, all I had going for me was a single note whistle," Snowden explained. "That severely limited what I could communicate to everyone about the multiple offenses I had uncovered.

"Phone ID surveillance without a warrant. Toot! Unauthorized email snooping. Toot! The FISA Court Of Kangaroos. Toot! The list goes on and on, but nobody's listening because my whistle is stuck on the same damn note. You can understand how bloody monotonous and annoying that can become."

In creating what he calls "The Snowden Snooper Sonic System," the grounded grouser extended the standard whistle blowers' musical range from a single note to three full octaves.

"And we've incorporated the blues minor scale so my colleagues and I can really wail about our grievances," Snowden added. "Who knows? Maybe we could even nab an appearance on 'Idol.'"

To further clarify whistle-blowing communications, Snowden's system utilizes dozens of old jazz and rock standards. The familiar songs allow whistle blowers to instantly identify the type of corruption or criminal activity being exposed.

For instance, if evidence of germ warfare is discovered, "I've Got You Under My Skin" would be whistled to and through the media. "A Tiskit, A Taskit" would identify that the banks are getting sloppy with their money laundering again. And "Stairway to Heaven" would sound the alarm regarding incremental progress in North Korea's nuclear program.

"A bustle in your hedgerow, indeed," Snowden offered. "Actually, I'd rather not be called a whistle-blower at all. I prefer to be identified with those who sound the alarm to protect our freedoms. So I guess you can call me an alarmist."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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