A somber U.S. President, Barack Obama, interrupted America's Got Talent to deliver the fateful news to the American public concerning the impending impact of a football field sized asteroid. The asteroid is due to hit the earth next Wednesday evening at about a quarter past 6 give or take a few days.
From an undisclosed location inside a NASCAR video game machine located in the Chub E. Cheese pizza parlor on Vermont Avenue in NW Washington, DC the president addressed the press as animated racecars ran over and thru and around his head:
"Hey everybody, it looks like we're in for the BIG ONE!" He yelled as he fell back and grabbed his chest feigning a heart attack. He then stood up straight and laughingly said: "Awe just kidding, but man isn't Redd Foxx the funniest guy ever?"
"But seriously folks, doom is at hand! We're going to get hit by a football field sized Asteroid named UABBKE3 which is a really stupid name, for pretty much anything. Geez, how do they come up with these names? From a spoon full of Alphabet soup?
"But, hey the asteroid was discovered when the NSA was spying on a 12 year old girl from Green Bay Wisconsin who was using Google Universe at the time. Even though she found the asteroid we're not going to give her any credit for it because her parents are registered Republicans".
"After its discovery we had an analytical model created by the Meteorologist Society of America to give us a date, time and location of impact of the asteroid. We know this has to be an excellent prediction because MSA has the word "meteor" someplace in it which means they know a lot of shit about meteors which in a sense are baby asteroids. So if your kid happens to ask you someday the question: "Where do meteors come from" you can tell him they come from the meteor maid".
"MSA predicts the asteroid will directly hit Yosemite National Park, which is just fine by me. If all you leaf-brained environmentalists weren't busy bugging the begeezers out of me and Congress about all this global warming crap we could have an asteroid protection system in place right now. A really cool one! Like a giant rubber encircling the earth which will bounce all of the asteroids off of it. Well it looks like you bark-breathed cretins will be losing a few more trees now, HA!"
"But everyone just relax because Big Brother Obama is here to save the day".
"Our engineers from China have built a series of powerful fans and placed them in Yosemite. These fans will blow the asteroid away from the park and back into the atmosphere. We had the fans calibrated so the asteroid will end up landing on Moscow Airport".
"Just for shits and giggles we painted a closed fist with the middle finger extended on the earthward side of the asteroid with one of the satellites that we hi-jacked from Japan."
"Eat that Snowed-In!"
"We tested the fans out and they worked fine. Not only did they put out a wind velocity that was measured to be 10,000 Michael Moores, it also sucked up into their blades all the hang gliders in the park as well. I guess someone should have warned them about it, although I've got to admit that the looks on all their faces as they were being sucked into the fans was priceless".
"Well that about wraps it up. Just remember to keep loose. Everything is going to be just fine. I'll be heading on my way to my presidential underground bunker where a bunch of scientists will be working on a special space craft to be used to colonize another earth like planet".
In other news riots across the US spontaneously erupted after the start of the president's speech. The cause of the bellicose eruptions was believed to be the interruption of America's Got Talent on which Donny Rhino Gargantuous was about to suck a grand piano up into his nose.