Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Tuesday, 2 July 2013

image for Governor Rick Perry Asks State Legislature to Fund Unplanned Parenthood

To battle the always combative Planned Parenthood in Texas, Governor Rick Perry has asked the state legislature to fund what he is calling "Unplanned Parenthood," a new non-profit whose mission, Perry explained, is to "promote bein' a parent for all men and women, sixteen and up, in the great state of Texas, as the good Lord intended."

The non-profit would specifically defund all sex education classes in Texas, including abstinence-only; defund all rape counseling facilities in Texas, to make sure the victim doesn't resort to terminating "what God intended," as Perry put it; and provide tax exemptions only to families with five or more children.

Unplanned Parenthood, Perry explained, would partner with the evangelical group Quiverfull, a world-wide organization which advocates that couples have as many children as possible, as these children are blessings from God and potential fodder in the coming Apocalypse.

Quiverfull also opposes all forms of birth control and even family planning, since, according to its spokesman Hezekiah Seman, "The only real Family Planner, when you git right down to it, is the good Lord above, whose ways are mysterious."

When a reporter from the Dallas Morning-after News pointed out that Perry himself has only two children, a boy and a girl, the Governor said "Ooops!"

Ohio Governor John Kasich is also reportedly looking into funding Unplanned Parenthood in the Buckeye State.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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