Written by Kirby Muxloe
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Thursday, 27 June 2013

image for Traditional Values Still Alive as Texas Celebrates 500th Execution
"We're number one (in

Texas cemented its place at the top of the leader board for number of executions per state on Wednesday, and the general atmosphere is one of joviality as Texans revel in their dominance of the capital punishment stats.

Bill Delacroix, an execution promoter from Huntsville, said: "The data shows we are by far the nationwide leader in terms of killing our own citizens, and that's something every true Texan can be proud of."

Some Texans however, refused to get into the celebratory mood, and instead moped around outside the prison, condemning the national pastime as misguided. "It just seems wrong," said Madeleine Rourke, a protestor from Austin. "I can't quite put my finger on why, exactly, but it doesn't sit right with me."

Delacroix's right hand man, Sam Rank, is quick to defend the national pastime: "You'll always get party-poopers. We just try to ignore them. It's important to keep in mind that we don't execute people for no reason; all of these people have broken the law, be it a mincing in a public place or being openly left-wing. Ultimately, nothing's going to stop us upholding the proud Southern traditions this great state was founded on."

Delacroix and his organistaion, Reasonably Executing Texans And Rejoicing Deaths, has had a triumphant week having organized a mass line-dance in the ashes of a bombed abortion clinic only a few days earlier, having stated, "The idea of killing a human being inside the womb sickens me."

In the jubilant aftermath of the execution, they show no signs of letting up. "This is a momentous day for us," Delacroix explains," but we can't afford to rest on our laurels if we want to stay number one."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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