In yet another twist in the PRISM leaks scandal, it appears that Edward Snowden never actually left the United States, and is in fact hiding out in Sacramento, California. Sources are now saying that Snowden only mailed his cell phone to Hong Kong and Russia, and evaded detection by not using email or Twitter, leaving the NSA virtually blind to his whereabouts.
When questioned about the situation, Mayor Kevin Johnson admitted that Snowden may remain at large for a long time, because "We've fired A LOT of police officers over the years, and the few remaining law enforcement officials are busy giving speeding tickets to rogue bicycle riders on the American River Parkway, and harassing homeless people." Chief of Police Samuel D. Somers Jr. agreed with the Mayor's assessment, but added that Snowden will be caught if he happens to ride a bicycle through the American River Parkway at a speed exceeding 15mph. "Then we'll definitely catch that traitor, and give him a speeding ticket he'll never forget!"
The Sacramento Sheriff's Department seems equally unable to pursue the whistleblower, citing cutbacks that have taken deputies off the streets, though there have been no cutbacks to the jet-ski riding deputies patrolling the DUI checkpoint on the Sacramento River. Asked for comment, the department declined interview, but stated "We had to cut patrol cars or jet skis, and it was a tough choice, but, come on, which would you choose on a 110 degree day? Really though, that Snowden jerk better watch out if he thinks he can get drunk and drive a boat through our checkpoint!"
With few options remaining, horse-mounted CHP officers have been deployed from the Capitol Building to search for Snowden, though officers admit "he'll probably get away if he flees by car or bus - these aren't exactly race horses, they're mostly to make us look tough and old-timey." In this tense situation, citizens are advised to watch for large patches of horse manure on the sidewalks.
Meanwhile, local activists report that Snowden has been conducting "teach-ins" on methods to jam the NSA PRISM surveillance program. One method involves using keywords and phrases that are used by the PRISM algorithms to identify threats, such as "terrorist", "jihad", or "Dixie Chicks". Asked to comment on the recent teach-ins, an unnamed local activist said "WMDs, white powder, Michael Moore, Al Qaeda, ObamaCare."
So, the search for Snowden continues, with some predicting that he may remain at large for years, possibly moving to other cities that have also recklessly slashed public safety budgets, such as Oakland, or God forbid, Stockton. As the search continues, we call upon citizens and media to take a photo of Snowden if you spot him in your city, and post it online so that the NSA can finally determine his location.